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There is no doubt that parenting is HARD. I’ve been asked more than once for the manual that makes everything run smoother. Unfortunately, most of it is trial and error and many of us hope that our love for our children will be enough to conquer any difficulties.
I have learned from my students that some things help strengthen a relationship. Keep reading to see what they have to say:
Listen More Than You Speak
You might be thinking, “But, I thought our job as a parent was to advise our kids?” There is a time to give advice and a time to just listen. We think most of the time we need to tell them exactly how to fix a situation, but our kids would say most of the time, they just want us to be present.
Think about when you want to vent to someone. Does it feel good when they turn right around and tell you how you should solve the problem, especially when you didn’t ask for an opinion?
Sometimes, they just need to get something out and not feel judged for it. Simply being present and listening to what they have to say is enough. Believe it or not, if they want your advice on the situation, they will ask for it!
Show Some Grace (but hold them accountable)
Our kids are going to mess up. We know that because we mess up. They might forget to take out the trash, do something dumb with their friends that lands them in trouble or stay up late playing video games when we think they are sleeping.
Hear me on this one….I’m not saying that there should not be consequences for these actions. They absolutely should have to deal with whatever naturally comes their way, but most of the time, it can stop there.
They don’t need us to harp on it or continue bringing it up. Again, imagine if you made a mistake at work or with a friend. Does it help to keep hearing about it or does it make you resentful? This is something that can quickly drive a wedge in a relationship.
ALLOW Them to Make Mistakes
This is closely related to the last one. We don’t like to see our kids hurting and the temptation is to save them from anything that poses a threat. If they are upset, we often want to do whatever we can to fix it.
The term “snowplow parenting” refers to a parent that removes every obstacle from their child’s path to prevent them from feeling any discomfort. While it seems like it is helping from the parent’s perspective, it is doing exactly the opposite. It is removing any opportunities for growth and learning when faced with adversity.
A child will eventually become an adult that is on their own. It becomes an even bigger struggle if they haven’t learned coping strategies before then. The need for mental health services on college campuses is at an all-time high due to this phenomenon. (https://www.nea.org/advocating-for-change/new-from-nea/mental-health-crisis-college-campuses).
It is OK to let our kids fail. There is learning in the struggle and it is much better for them to experience this when they are still at home than when they are out on their own.
Allow Them to See You Make Mistakes
Raise your hand if you’ve never made a mistake. I can’t see you, but I can bet that no one reading this is raising a hand.
Now, raise your hand if you admire people who think they never make a mistake. Anyone? No?
Listen…there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Admitting that to our kids makes us more human. It takes off the pressure and they realize that they don’t have to live up to some unrealistic expectation.
Apologize When You Are Wrong
So, your kid has seen you make a mistake. Now what? It is never easy to admit you are wrong, but it is so important to model that for our kids.
Many of us have lost our temper, especially when it comes to parenting teens. They just know the right buttons to push to get us to our breaking point.
What happens after you lose your temper? Do you realize it? Do you acknowledge that it happened or do you hope that they forgot about it?
I can tell you they don’t forget. It’s OK to apologize when you lose control. You’re not admitting to being a bad parent. You’re admitting to being human.
Be Available
I should have made this number one. I hear ALL the time from students, “I can’t tell my parents, because they are so busy and I don’t want to add one more thing to their plate”. Hearing this breaks my heart.
Yes, it’s good for kids to see ambition and drive, but not to see us consumed by our jobs. They need to know that they are the priority.
If your child asks for time, give it to them!
If they are telling you something important, put down your phone and listen.
If you are spending time with them, be present.
It might not seem like a big deal, but how we react in these situations sends a message. They are learning whether they are worthy of our time and attention.
“Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”
― Catherine M. Wallace
I also had a student recently tell me that they spent most of their time in their room, but they really wanted their parents to invite them to do something with them. They crave time with us but don’t feel important enough to ask for it.
Take Care of Yourself
If you are anxious, your child will be anxious. If you are stressed, your kids will be stressed. If you are depressed, your kids will be depressed, anxious, or stressed.
Our health is so influential when it comes to parenting. It is important to find some form of self-care, so we can be healthy and model a healthy mindset to our children. If we don’t, they won’t have a stable foundation to build from.
Is this something that you struggle with, but don’t know how to fix? Visit the Counseling for Parents page, to see if counseling might be something that can help you. We all need help sometimes and it’s OK to not be OK.
I hope these tips have helped you gain some insight into your teenager. Some are not easy to implement, but they are things that I see so often when there are issues in a parent/teen relationship. I encourage you to try them and see if anything improves!
