This is an excerpt from a book I am working on. The working title is (I claim copyright on this title and content, please be nice):
SURVIVE THE AFFAIR
How to go from Feeling Crazy to Loving Again in a bunch of not-so-easy steps
Affairs are caused by a defect in thinking. Affairs are maintained by a defect in communication, and if you are the victim of the affair you may share the responsibility in this. There may have been a certain amount of denial in you that made the ground for affairs fertile. Maybe your partner was throwing little darts or waving huge red flags in your face and you decided to ignore them all. If that’s the case, I suggest you stop beating yourself up for it right now. It was your survival instinct. You were not willing to raise hell on your little doubts. Maybe you did raise hell. You had many heated arguments and then gave up, and decided to continue the relationship, because the alternative was too scary or painful. You closed your eyes and hoped to be wrong. It’s human: you wanted to believe in hope. Change was scary.
An affair forces change. That is one painful, but good truth in life.
For now, know that if your partner does not change those defects in thinking, and if you do not change your denial within yourself, you may subject yourself to repeated transgressions. This is true no matter how sorry your partner appears, and how much they cry and swear that this will never ever, ever happen again.
Remember: the only person that is responsible for the affair is the one that commits it.
You can waste your energy away hating the other person that “stole” your partner from you. Nonsense: your partner was a willing volunteer. The buck stops there. Let’s play the game where everybody takes their own responsibilities. Otherwise, you’ll never get out of this rut, and you’ll never grow. And you’ll have to repeat those lessons.
You are already devastated enough. I would suggest that instead of becoming your own bully, you learn from this affair, get back on track with self-care, or learn self-care for the first time. Healing from an affair takes time and that time is precious and valuable because it will re-define who you are for the best if you use it wisely.
Do not attempt to move through the pain too quickly.
There is no other way to deal with pain then going through it. Yes, there are shortcuts: you can, as many do, numb your pain with jumping into bed with somebody else. You can numb yourself with alcohol, drugs, food, TV, addictive behaviors, antidepressants, or anti-anxiety medications. My therapeutic advise is: it takes too much effort at the gym to get rid of the food on your hips. See a therapist right away. Somebody who specializes in dealing with affairs would be nice. If you are in so much pain that you can barely function, and need a shortcut, see a psychiatrist.
Is an affair devastating your relationship and way of life?
Give me a call and I can help you through.
To your health,
Claudia
747-217-3228
747-217-FACT
