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People often ask why people stay in abusive relationships, but the truth is that it never starts that way. It starts like any other relationship, sometimes even more magical as the abuser will often mask their true selves and portray characteristics and values to please their victims. Then very slowly they begin to change. They use small, subtle behaviors that slowly escalate over time to “train” their victim. This often looks like angry looks, arguments with unjust accusations, silent treatments, threatening to leave them, or the opposite where they dote on them for doing things they want them to such as giving gifts, extra attention, and making big promises they have no intention of fulfilling. As the relationship progresses, the abuser turns conversations or concerns back on the victim, making the victim think it’s all their fault. There is a circular pattern to the relationship where the victim feels like everything is good and the person they first fell in love with is back, then the victim is back to walking on eggshells waiting for the next bad thing to happen, then there is a bad blow-up, then back to shorter and shorter periods of happiness. Victims are often made to feel completely alone, that they are the crazy ones, and that something bad will happen if they ever try to leave.
If you or someone you know is in a relationship like this, please know you are not alone and help is available. Call 911, a local shelter, the domestic violence hotline (800) 799-7233, crisis line 988, or a local counselor. There is hope for a better future.
