What to Say to Someone after a Miscarriage

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As a therapist, I’ve been faced with this situation many times. You’d think it gets easier over time but honestly, it’s challenging and gut-wrenching every single time. The truth is, there’s nothing anyone can say that will take the person’s pain away. With that being said, I do have some tips for how to talk to someone who has experienced a miscarriage.

 

Tip 1: Let them know you’re a safe person

This one is tough to do, but please know that folks who have had a miscarriage have already been told the typical invalidating things that make their suffering worse such as “at least you know you can get pregnant”. Under no circumstances should you say that. Instead, say “I can’t imagine the pain you’re experiencing. I’m here to listen if you’d like to talk. I’m also here if you’d like to just sit with me.”  This communicates to them that you’re not trying to change how they feel or guess at what they may be feeling. 

 

Tip 2: Validate, validate, validate

People experiencing trauma (which miscarriage can definitely qualify as) need to hear that they’re allowed to feel the discomfort, sadness, horror, anxiety without being “cheered up” against their will. What you can say is in response to whatever emotion they share. For example, a friend may say “I just keep thinking about it and feel so sad. I can’t stop crying.” To this, you can say “I’d feel sad, too. You’re allowed to feel sad, you’re allowed to cry.”  This conveys to them that the overwhelming emotions they feel are, despite being uncomfortable, normal to have and a normal part of the grieving process.

 

Tip 3: Be yourself

Lastly, you don’t need to try and be your friend’s therapist, coach or psychiatrist. Your friend values you for you, and the comfort of you being your authentic self cannot be underestimated. Let them know your support of them will not waiver, no matter how dark it may seem. Here’s where you communicate the level of commitment you have to your friendship by saying “I will be here for you no matter what, whatever you need.” Use the language you would always use with your friend and let your true self shine through- if you’re someone who swears, add those in! If you’re someone who says “dude” before every sentence, do it. Just be whoever you are- that stability and familiarity will be a source of comfort for the other person.

Going through a miscarriage can be isolating, scary, and debilitating for so many womxn. Be the safe space for them to heal through the pain. 

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