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Do you identify as Desi? Chances are if your parents are from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Trinidad, or Guyana your familiar with the colorful landscape of South Asian cultural identity and all the things that come with it! Whether its the colorful, over-the-top arranged marriages, the astringent emphasis on education, the love of teatime, “chai and chaat” or the suffocating, “log kya kahain gay?” or “what will people say?”
There are so many fun and amazing things about being Desi, but there are also some challenges. As the child of Pakistani immigrants I know i’ve had my fair share. Entering middle age means that you may have adult children and aging parents all under one roof.
While this has been the norm in desi households it’s becoming more and more common in the United States amongst a broader range of racial/ethnic identities. There are numerous advantages to a joint-family system or a multi-generational family; shared income, aging parents as helpers for young children, adult children having the opportunity to save income rather than spend on rent to name a few.
If the system is healthy, there can also be many mental-health benefits. Aging parents can feel useful, and vitalized as they provide wisdom and care taking for the young children. This system can combat loneliness which is endemic in today world. It’s important to emphasize that these benefits are dependent on the overall health of the family. Where there is connectedness, communication and mutual respect, a joint-family system can thrive.
This system can also create strain if aging parents need more intensive support due to physical handicaps or illness. Aging parents who are struggling with mental health pose their own unique needs. If those needs are not addressed, they can put a strain on everyone living together. Aging parents in America may benefit from a therapist who understands their culture and can provide the support they need. It may be necessary to delegate the physical care-taking of aging parents to paid help who comes to the house in order to avoid care-taker fatigue and burnout.
Adult children who are struggling with mental health concerns or severe mental illness can also put strain on the system. It’s imperative to connect adult children with the resources they need as they launch themselves into the world of career and adulting.
If you sense that your child’s struggles are out of the normal range of distress and you notice dysfunction such as the inability to go to school or work, the inability to wake up in the morning, self-harm, or suicidal ideation, it is important to reach out for help. Your child may be struggling with severe mental illness and be in need of the consistent support of a psychiatrist or therapist. A therapist who has the skills to help with emotional regulation and interpersonal distress is one who will typically be skilled in using DBT or dialecticall behavior therapy.
It is important to note that back home, there were built-in systems to provide social, emotional and physical support to families setup this way. Often-times people had household help, aunts, uncles, or other extended family members dropping by for chit chat, support and guidance.
Even the household help was like family at times sharing in each other’s concerns. There was often mutuality in these relationships. The lady coming to clean your house, was also sharing her struggles at times. Numerous people going in and out of the house meant that there were ample opportunities for conversation and connection. The entire burden of running this household didn’t fall on one or two people but rather a system of inter-woven families and providers working together.
At Sheik Empowerment Therapy, I work with everyone within the desi family unit to explore and identify their unique needs. My goal is to empower everyone towards greater wellness. Once we have figured out what you need and want, we develop coping mechanisms to deal with distress, new ways of thinking about and perceiving your life and yourself and finally practicing the necessary communication skills to advocate for those needs.
If you’re the one in the care-taking role, I emphasize self-care and self-love as the paramount value. I know we share a collectivist culture where there is an emphasis on cohesion, harmony and duty. You may be inclined towards ignoring your needs for the perceived benefit of everyone else, but unfortunately this is not how things play out. Avoidance can breed resentment.
Ignoring yourself, your feelings, your fatigue will only lead to exhaustion, burnout and resentment which will impact everyone around you. You will resent your sense of duty. This sense of duty, which may have originally been fueled through love of family, will become overshadowed with resentment and anger. Resentment and anger don’t uplift and uphold they breakdown and shatter. Resentment is the poison that we drink. It destroys us.
It’s imperative to identify and address your own needs to be present with others in a positive, vitalized and calm way. Fear as a driving force towards “peace” and wellness does not work. Love towards self eventually comes through as love towards everyone and everything we touch.
Here, at Sheik Empowerment therapy, I look forward to helping you and your family experience wellness and success.
Please email me today to schedule an appointment!
