It may sound silly (and a bit cliche), but you’re not alone in being lonely. Most of us know what it feels like to miss someone—the heaviness, longing, and desperation that accompany thoughts of the beloved person. But for many, missing someone leads to a profound sense of social isolation and loneliness, regardless of whether they are surrounded by others.
This post will explore the nuances of loneliness as it relates to missing someone, its psychological impact and potential health risks associated with long-term feelings of social isolation, as well as how our perspective can shape our understanding of social connections.
Table of Contents
Understanding Loneliness and Its Impact
Missing Someone vs Experiencing Chronic Loneliness
The Role of Perception
Solitude vs Loneliness: Distinguishing Between the Two
How to Address Loneliness
How to Stop Missing Someone
How a Therapist Can Help
Understanding Loneliness and Its Impact
Loneliness is a complex and commonly experienced emotion and, despite its name, one that’s not just about being alone. Yes, being truly alone may very well bring on feelings of loneliness. But at its core, loneliness has to do with feeling disconnected from others — regardless of whether you are surrounded by people you care about and vice versa. That feeling colors the lens through which you see the world, relationships, and even yourself.
The Causes of Loneliness
Many factors — like life changes, self-judgment, and the absence of social support or meaningful connections — may cause feelings of loneliness. Under-fulfilling interactions, including ones that lack authenticity or meaning, may contribute as well. Keep in mind that the profound sense of social isolation that encapsulates loneliness isn’t necessarily indicative of the quantity of one’s relationships but rather their quality.
How Chronic Loneliness Affects Mental Health
Chronic loneliness may bring about unwanted effects on mental health including symptoms of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Chronically lonely people may resort to unhealthy or even dangerous behaviors (think substance use or self-harm) in an effort to manage their emotions.
Physical Health Risks Associated with Persistent Loneliness
Beyond its impact on mental health, chronic feelings of social isolation can also affect physical well-being. In fact, studies have linked prolonged periods of social disconnection with increased risk for heart disease, type 2 diabetes, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s disease.
Missing Someone vs Experiencing Chronic Loneliness
While there’s certainly overlap, you might be surprised by the nuanced difference between missing someone and feelings of chronic loneliness. While missing someone is often (but doesn’t have to be) a temporary experience due to physical separation from and longing for a specific person, chronic loneliness is a persistent state of disconnection despite attempts to engage in social interaction.
Missing someone most often results from being away from the social support of close friends or family members, grieving the loss of a loved one, or witnessing a drastic change in the personality of someone you care about. These may result in feelings of sadness, disappointment, grief, anger, envy, depression, and — you guessed it — loneliness.
While it may well be precipitated by it, pervasive loneliness goes beyond simply missing someone. It’s a persistent feeling and pattern of thinking involving thoughts of emptiness, negative self-judgment, and isolation. People who experience chronic loneliness may avoid social situations for fear of rejection or judgment, even if they recognize that engaging may actually alleviate the isolation.
When people live with pervasive loneliness as a result of missing someone, it may be because they relied on that person for social or physical support, lacked the interpersonal skills or confidence to branch out in other relationships, or were in a codependent relationship.
The change in proximity to the missed person, as well as the emotional experience described above, set off a pattern of relating to the world and the self that deepens one’s sense of social isolation.
The Role of Perception
Perception plays a pivotal role in how we experience missing someone and related feelings of loneliness.
Imagine a best friend moves across the country for a new job. Whereas one person might perceive this as an amazing career opportunity for their friend (despite being sad about the move), another might feel abandoned and develop low self-esteem, perceiving the friendship to mean less to their friend than her career.
While both may miss their friend, the latter may be more likely to experience temporary or chronic loneliness — and potentially develop the unhealthy habit of rejecting future opportunities to meet new people.
So, some people live not only experiencing physical isolation, but also have a tendency to interpret social interactions or situations in a negative light. That’s where negativity bias comes in.
Negativity Bias Explained
The term ‘negativity bias’ refers to the tendency to interpret neutral or positive interactions and situations negatively. Even in generally positive or successful social situations, negativity bias directs attention to any less pleasant or desirable components.
This pattern of thinking can lead to an enduring sensation of solitude and a weakened sense of self-worth, which affects future efforts to seek out social interactions.
The Impact of Perception Bias on Social Interactions
Because missing someone tends to elicit unwanted emotions like sadness and disappointment, you may find that your perception of other social interactions or situations are skewed and viewed in a negative light.
For example, imagine you miss a friend who drifted away and became closer to others. Because you’ve had this experience, negativity bias might make you quick to assume that another friend who doesn’t return your phone call has done the same (and totally overlook that they were scheduled for an important doctor’s appointment that day).
Because you are — often unintentionally — favoring negative evaluations in these situations, it can make it difficult to maintain close friendships or meet new people. All of these factors have the potential to increase the likelihood one will feel lonely.
Overcoming Negativity Bias to Prevent and Address Loneliness
- Acknowledge Your Biases: Recognizing your biases is the first step towards overcoming them. These will likely show up in judgmental thoughts or statements Once you’ve recognized the bias, rephrase the statement neutrally or nonjudgmentally to help yourself learn to think differently.
- Foster Authentic Connections: Strive for genuine relationships rather than superficial ones. Genuine relationships tend to elicit more mutual feelings of closeness and compassion. Consider joining community groups like book clubs or online platforms where you share common interests with others.
- Prioritize Quality Over Quantity: Having one meaningful relationship is better for feelings of social isolation than numerous shallow ones. When it comes to building connectings, focus on depth over breadth.
Solitude vs Loneliness: Distinguishing Between the Two
Despite its negative connotations, solitude — often confused with loneliness — isn’t inherently bad. While solitude and loneliness may seem similar on the surface, their effects on mental health can be quite different.
The Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness
So far, we’ve established that loneliness is a subjective emotional state characterized by a sense of isolation regardless of how much or how little interaction someone actually has. Solitude, on the other hand, is an objective and literal state of being alone. While being in solitude isn’t always a choice, it certainly can be one that provides space for self-reflection and growth.
Benefits of Spending Time Alone
Taking time to be alone can offer a variety of benefits including greater efficiency, creativity, autonomy, and fulfillment. In fact, people who enjoy their own company tend to experience more self-compassion and self-reflection, which can influence other areas of their lives — even the quality of relationships with others.
Creating Positive Experiences Out of Solitary Moments
In order to combat feelings associated with chronic loneliness, find ways to appreciate your alone time. Consider these tips:
- Change your language: If your solitude coincides with missing someone, change the way you phrase your thoughts. Instead of “I wish I could be with them today,” say, “I get to be with myself today. What will I do?”
- Pick up a new solo hobby: Try a new recipe, take a trip to the crafts store, or play single-player games online to practice spending time with yourself.
- Maintain physical and mental health: Engage in exercise that doesn’t require teammates — like yoga or running — or practice meditating which promotes both physical well-being as well as mental clarity.
- Do a digital detox: Limit use of social media platforms which often cause one to feel isolated.
In short, physical isolation doesn’t necessarily equate to loneliness. By better understanding solitude, you can find ways to make the most of — and perhaps even enjoy — the time you spend alone while still prioritizing social interaction and community.
How to Address Loneliness
Being lonely is painful, especially when it stems from missing someone. But, it is possible to tolerate the pain and come out stronger and with more meaningful connections.
Here are some strategies to get you started:
Get to the Root
Studies show that identifying emotions and validating their presence actually reduces their intensity. So, the first step after you’ve decided to combat loneliness is as simple as that: label it. You can take it one step further by asking yourself the following questions:
- What thought or event prompted the emotion I’m feeling right now?
- What factors (e.g., bad night sleep or recent death in the family) have made me vulnerable to this feeling today?
- How does this feel in my body right now?
- What thoughts and judgments am I making based on this emotional experience?
That last question is an important one. By acknowledging your judgments (e.g., “No one even wants to hear from me”), you create the opportunity to reframe your thinking so it becomes more nonjudgmental. Engaging in activities like mindfulness exercises can be particularly helpful in noticing judgmental thought patterns.
Cultivate Meaningful Interpersonal Bonds
Fostering authentic connections is another effective way to combat feelings and unhealthy habits related to the fact that you feel lonely. And while certain factors may prohibit you from connecting with the person you miss, you always have the option of connecting with them more creatively. Looking at a picture of that person and speaking to them, or writing a letter you never send are two ways of addressing the feelings associated with missing someone.
You can also reach out to loved ones, volunteer, or join groups like book clubs and fitness classes. Social media platforms also offer various ways to meet people from different walks of life while providing an avenue for regular quality time with like-minded people.
Learn to Enjoy Your Own Company
It may sound counterintuitive to address loneliness by spending time alone, but hear me out: taking advantage of solitude can be a powerful opportunity to change your relationship to being alone. Consider taking a quiet walk outdoors, reading a book, meditating, or simply sitting quietly with your thoughts. If you find yourself thinking about how these activities would be better with company, redirect your attention back to the moment by grounding yourself using your five senses.
How to Stop Missing Someone
There’s no one way to stop missing someone, and even if there were, the effort it takes to do so may actually be counterproductive to your healing.
Imagine you’re told not to think about a pink elephant. No matter what, do not picture a pink elephant!
Naturally, being told not to think of something brings it to mind. The same principle applies to suppressing thoughts and feelings: the more you try not to miss someone, the more you risk thinking about missing them.
Still, there are certain behavioral strategies that may help you distance yourself from thoughts of missing that person. Consider the following:
- Remove Reminders: Studies show that specific and unique areas of the brain become activated when viewing the face of someone you love. Moving photos out of view or muting the person on social media may help reduce reminders of them.
- Make Contact Hard: You may miss someone who it would actually be unhealthy to be in touch with. In these cases, you may delete their phone number or unfollow them online to prevent yourself from entertaining the idea of reaching out.
- Get Physical Distance: While it’s not always possible to avoid the person you miss entirely (perhaps you live in the same small town), consider other ways to get distance such as by going to a gym you know they don’t belong to. Having space between you will help you avoid cues (such as seeing their face), and will also help you adjust to — and accept — life without them, or with them at a distance.
How a Therapist Can Help
If your feelings of disconnection persist despite efforts to connect with others and yourself, you might consider meeting with a therapist. These professionals will be able to assist you in identifying underlying mental health issues such as anxiety or depression and offer you concrete tools and support to tackle loneliness.
Because meeting with a therapist involves connecting with another person — and because the therapeutic relationship is one of the best indicators of success in therapy — simply having an appointment in which you connect with a trusted professional may kickstart the process of healing and help you channel your energy into thoughts about healing rather than the person you miss.
Conclusion
To put it simply, feeling lonely is hard. Most people experience loneliness at some point, oftentimes as a result of missing someone, and it’s important to consider how chronic levels negatively impact mental and physical health.
And while solitude and learning to enjoy your own company can be healthy and beneficial, they’re not total fixes when you feel lonely. Building authentic, meaningful relationships is crucial for those who choose to combat loneliness. And if the support of a therapist helps you get there (or is a first meaningful connection in and of itself), that’s a beautiful thing.
