Help, My Kids Are Triggering Me: Four Steps to Cope

Does this happen in your home?

Your child starts having a hard time with something; maybe they don’t like what you made for dinner, their brother took their toy, or they’re overwhelmed by a homework assignment. If your kid is anything like mine these things can lead to an immediate meltdown, and then your own emotions feel out of control too. Before you know it you’re filled with anger, fear, or dread and are completely overwhelmed. Maybe you suddenly find yourself yelling and scolding or just completely withdrawing. Even though you’ve tried, you find that you just can’t cope with your kid’s behavior in that moment and you can’t use all those great parenting tools you intended. You my friend, have become triggered.

If you happen to have lived through some past difficulties or traumas it might not even be that your kiddo is having a meltdown. Maybe they’ve asked the same question for the 5th time in the last hour, they’re talking too loud again, crying inconsolably, or just doing general kid stuff that adults find annoying. For trauma survivors, dealing with kid’s difficult behavior can be more complicated. Many of the survivors of partner abuse I’ve worked with talk about becoming re-triggered just by a certain look on their kid’s face, the same expression that might have been on an abusive partner’s face.

No matter what you might have experienced in the past, our emotional reactions to stressful situations with our kids can be like a mirror that show us our unresolved pain. I found that becoming a parent can show us things about our pasts that we didn’t even realize were there. Even though it can be so overwhelming our kids can be a gift, revealing what still needs to be worked on. That all being said, what can we do when triggered?

What happens when we become triggered?

The first step in knowing what to do about triggers is to understand what is happening to us in these moments. “Trigger” has become one of those buzzy, over-used words over the last few years. But it’s a term that has been in use for a long time in the trauma recovery field. It refers to any time that something happens in your present-day life that has activated your flight, flight, freeze response- not because it’s a life threatening situation, but because something you experienced in the past is telling your brain to see it as a risk.

So let’s say a tiger escapes from a zoo and comes rushing into my office where I write this. I somehow manage to live to see another day- but now I find that I go into full blown flight/fight mode every time I see the color orange. I might logically know it’s just a color and is totally safe, but it still happens. Just because you may not have survived a mauling tiger or have a diagnosis of PTSD we are all wired in the same way. Difficult things we experienced in the past, things that you might not even think of as traumatic, can still come back up in the present. Especially when a 6 year old is screaming in your face because they can’t tie their own shoes (true story)

When we get triggered, our minds are interpreting the current moment based on a past experience. It does this so quickly we don’t always know its happening. Then your fight/flight/freeze response kicks in, your body gets flooded with stress hormones which cause us to just react in order to protect ourselves without thinking it through. Your body and your brain did exactly what it was supposed to do in the face of a threat. Only it miss read the situation, it didn’t understand the difference between an escaped tiger and the 6 year old screaming.

So let’s thank your brain for working so hard to keep you safe and find out how to do something other than just react. This way you can respond to your kids in those difficult moments from a place of calm rather than from flight/flight mode.

4 Steps to Managing Triggers:

Now that you know a little bit about what’s happening in your brain in these moments, lets look at how we can override that automatic process of being triggered:

Step 1: Learn to recognize when you’re being triggered:

It feels like we go from 0-Triggered in under 60 seconds, and we do! That fight/flight response kicks in fast, remember it’s trying to keep us safe so it has to act fast. Because it happens so quickly we often don’t see it coming until after we’re already over the edge. But there are warning signals in our bodies. Emotions aren’t just mental, all of them have a physical component; fear can make your heart race, anger causes muscle tension, sadness makes us feel heavy. Here are some common signs that the trigger is coming to look for in your body:

• Racing heart

• Shallow breathing

• Muscle tension

• A sudden urge to move around

• Headache

• Stomach ache

• Tingling in hands or feet

• Dizziness

This is not at all an exhaustive list, your signs might look a little different. No matter what the sensation is in your body, if you can pause to notice these signs then you can say to yourself “Aha, my child’s behavior is triggering me. I need to make a different choice in how I handle this”

Step 2: Pause

No matter how you respond emotionally, your body and brain are trying to tell you its an emergency. But unless your kid has run out into traffic or is strangling the neighbor kid, it’s probably not an emergency and it’s okay to delay your response and say nothing for now. In fact if you’re triggered it’s probably best NOT to react right away- even though that flight/fight response is telling you to.

Hit the pause button! Give yourself a minute (or 5, or even a day) to calm your body and brain to prevent yourself from reacting to your child in a way you’ll likely feel guilty about later.

Now let’s be real, when you have an acting out child you might not be able to step out of the room to calm yourself, or if you try they might follow you around the house continuing the behavior. If that’s the case ignore the behavior and try some of these ideas even while your kiddo causes a ruckus:

• Deep breathing exercises

• Get a glass of water and slowly breath and sip

• Turn on some music and dance or sing (bonus: your kid might stop what they’re doing and join you)

• Identify 5 things you can see in the room, focus on their shape, color and texture

Another tool that can help your brain understand that though your triggered, its not actually an emergency is finding a phrase you can say to yourself when you notice your body is going to the triggered place. Use what resonates with you, but here’s some suggestions to get you started:

• “This is not an emergency”

• “This too shall pass”

• “I’m doing my best/my kid is doing their best”

• “My child is not giving me a hard time, they are having a hard time”

By doing a combination of things to calm your body and mind as soon as you notice those body sensations you can more quickly re-gain calm and respond to what your kids need to help them get through the moment.

Step 3: Respond:

When (and only when) your flight/flight/freeze response has started to come back down you can now ask yourself “what does my child need in this moment” Often times when our kids have triggered us, its because they themselves have had their own stress response activated, emotions are contagious like that. Kids have not yet developed that part of the brain that regulates emotions, so they most likely need your help to re-regulate their own feelings. Now that you’ve taken care of yourself you will be much more capable of responding to their behavior in a clear-headed and effective way.

If you had to delay your response for an extended period because you just needed time to help that trigger fade, it’s always okay to bring the situation back up and work through it with your child later.

Step 4: Reconnect and Repair:

Maybe you ended up responding in the moment by yelling, threatening, scolding or punishing in a way that was more harsh than you intended. That’s okay, none of us do this parenting thing perfectly, especially when still dealing with our own pasts. The magic is that we can always go back to our kids and apologize for our reactions, let them know it wasn’t their fault and that we’re still working on ourselves too.

Some parents worry that if they apologize it will somehow take away their parenting authority. But, after trying it out most parents, including myself, have found that when we admit our faults and repair our kids actually respect us more, listen better and are more likely to make amends themselves when they make mistakes. We are modeling that mistakes are part of learning, and how to repair relationships when they happen. A skill that your child can use to have strong, healthy relationships throughout their lifetime.

Of course these four steps are way easier said than done. It take practice, patience and some knowledge about yourself and your child. Remember, mistakes are part of the process. If you are ready to learn more about breaking through your triggers and getting beyond your past so it doesn’t have to show up in your relationship with your children anymore feel free to reach out at www.flourishandthrivetherapist.com