Self-Care for Parents

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Self-Care for Parents–You are So Worth It!

It is February and many of us have a list of goals for the new year. Many times, these are a to-do list of things to do or places to visit. However, many of us forget to add an important ingredient to our list that will carry us through the whole year on a daily basis. SELF-CARE is an integral part of being a good parent—not just good for your kids, but good to Yourself. Self-Care means taking care of many parts of us—Physical, Emotional, Psychologically, Relationally, and Spiritually. It is a conscious discipline that involves changing our thinking and societal messages that we should take care of others first. We cannot take care of others if we are not full ourselves first. Our bucket needs tender love and care too. Think of what they tell you in planes, “Put your mask first before taking care of your child.” Life is exactly the same, despite receiving the message we should care for our kids first, we almost forget that we have needs too. Here, we will discuss why we need to be mindful of Self-Care as parents and various ways to take care of ourselves mindfully.

Definition of Self-Care

Let me give you a definition of Self-Care. Just briefly the words say “Caring for Self”. However, Wikipedia says, “Self-care has been defined as the process of taking care of oneself with behaviors that promote health and active management of illness when it occurs.” For me, Self-Care involves an understanding of Holistic Wellness. Personally, I think of Self Care as taking care of all these dimensions of Health: Physical, Emotional, Psychological, Relational and Spiritual. Also, taking care of one’s needs is something we all need to do on a daily basis, not just during the weekend or when one has time, or worse when burnt out. We would not ask a child to wait till the weekend for us to take care of him/her. In the same way, we take time to take care of others, we acknowledge how critical it is that we take care of ourselves FIRST.

Why Self-Care for Parents

Many parents feel that being a good parent is focusing on their kid most of the time, with very little time for Self. Many cultures reinforce this concept and so have previous generations. When my girl was little, my mom used to tell me, “You need to take care of her 1st.” Now looking back, I realize that is what my mother learned from her mother—take care of others first. While taking care of your kids is very important, and the younger the child, the more they depend on you, it is a must that parents carve out time for themselves. I have learned that for one to be an emotionally available parent, one needs to take care of themselves first and then the child. However, like my mother, many parents think they should be taking care of their kids first. As a child therapist, I often say, “Healthy parents make healthy kids.” What I mean by that is that when WE (parents) are OK, we are more available for our kids.

As a therapist, I work very hard to get parents to explore their connection to their kids, and as an attachment therapist I provide skills that foster Secure Attachment—Connection. However, I am very much aware that for a parent to connect with their kids, they need to connect to themselves first. And part of that connection is taking care of one’s needs using Self-Care strategies. Parents that tend to forget about the importance of Self-Care are more likely to experience burnout and parent from a stress place (what I call empty bucket) rather than connecting calmly and with a full bucket (recharged because they are tending to themselves). Let’s use the metaphor of filling one’s tank. We all need fuel to function and Self-Care activities recharge us and give us more fuel to do all the amazing things that parents do with their kiddos on a daily basis.

Avoid Distractions

Nowadays, we are all so busy as parents. The demands are so high: the job responsibilities, the tending to our kids, the wanting to do our very best, and for many the feeling of having to compare themselves to others and rank as high as other parents do. Social media is one of the most helpful and self-destructive forums we have ever had in history. Parents (and children) can become so engrossed with it and distracted from their daily tasks. Be mindful as a parent of the time you spend in social media, how you are modeling this to your kids and how it may interfere with your relationship with your own children too, and partner/spouse. We all have been there at times. The important piece is acknowledging it when we are spending too much time texting or in social media platforms/games, and then making changes when we catch ourselves falling into that trap. The reality is that use of extended technology really affects our neurotransmitters functioning and ability to be fully present with children and others at home. So, part of your own Self-Care may be to be mindful of how the phone keeps you away from caring for Yourself, your kids and others.

Self-Care as Personal and Unique

Every person has a different way to take care of themselves apart from the basic of providing yourself with healthy nutrition, emotional balance, physical activity and healthy sleep. So, notice what is it that would be listed in a Self-Care list for YOU? Because my list may look much different than yours. Every person has different Self-Care needs and because our lives change over time our self-care strategies may change too. It is OK to change our list as our needs change. Life is like climbing a mountain, and we are not always in the same place. Sometimes we are close to the top and sometimes we are more at the bottom. Part of determining your Self-Care strategies is connecting with YOU, the essence of You, what really helps YOU. Not your sister, not your friend, but YOU. So, check within! What do YOU need right now? But remember that taking care of others starts by taking care of YOU first.

Here is a list of ideas but realize that Your preferences may not be here and that is okay. Create Your very Special list to pull from with those things that bring You comfort:

-Going for a walk, playing with your pet, preparing a smoothie or yummy food, talking to an encouraging friend, getting a massage, planting flowers, playing a sport, exercising, dancing, writing in your journal, playing an instrument, creating something for You, reading your favorite book, cuddling with your child, reading a good book, crafts, etc.

Embrace Your Own Self-Care

Feeling good about ourselves is an intentional and mindful practice. But sometimes, we don’t realize that when we take care of ourselves, we feel better about who We are. The reality is that Self-Care does impact our self-worth in ways we don’t even acknowledge. Today, acknowledge all those things that make you feel good inside, whether physically, emotionally, psychologically relationally or spiritually and make a list of your top ones for that week. Sometimes it may just be doing something for 10 minutes a day, others longer. Invest time in YOU! YOU are so worth it.

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