Thinking about Therapy?
Take our quiz to see therapists who are a good match for you.
Take our quiz to see therapists who are a good match for you.
We often talk about mental health as an individual phenomenon that people must face alone. However, relationships – especially romantic relationships – are at the core of our mental health.
Here are three steps to a happier, healthier romantic relationship (results may vary):
Step 1: Identify and confront your own insecurities. There is an old saying: “No one escapes childhood unscathed.” It is essential to identify how your own experiences in relationships, in childhood and beyond, have affected you. Be as specific as possible. For example, perhaps you went through a difficult break up, or maybe a close friend betrayed or left you. These experiences naturally and commonly lead to insecurities. Once identified, you can begin to become more secure by challenging core insecure beliefs. This is where therapy can really help.
Step 2: Avoid the Four Horseman. John Gottman, one of the leading research scientists and couples therapists in the nation, identifies four behaviors that harm couples during conflict. These behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Criticism is “You never take out the trash,” defensiveness is “Yeah, well you never do the dishes,” contempt is name-calling and insulting someone’s character, and stonewalling is ignoring, walking away, and shutting down. These behaviors have been shown by research to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. The key to reducing these behaviors is to soothe yourself and your partner. Talk with your partner about being able to take a break during arguments. If you notice the four horsemen in yourself or your partner, take a 30-minute break and do something relaxing, and refrain from ruminating about the argument during that time. For more information about this and other topics related to couples, visit the Gottman Institute online.
Step 3: Make time for each other. So many parents and couples struggle to manage time and energy for kids, jobs, bills, and if you’re lucky, a social life. Often the first thing to be sacrificed is quality time with your spouse. It is very common for couples to begin to feel like “roommates” when they don’t spend enough time with each other and only talk about tasks that need to be completed. If you and your partner are struggling with this, here is something that may help: Schedule time for dates, time to talk about your relationship, and time each day to vent and connect. If scheduling isn’t your thing, then make a checklist of things you want to do with your partner each week and check them off when you do them.
Hopefully, if you implement and maintain these steps, you’ll notice more closeness, intimacy, and connection, and less aggravation. On average, couples wait 7 years after the start of a relationship issue before entering couples therapy. Relationship problems typically get much worse the longer they aren’t addressed. Research-based couples therapy may be one of the most important tools any couple has. Remember, if you have kids, one of the best things you can do for them is to work on your relationship with your partner.
