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“Never go to bed angry”
It may come as a surprise that I’m not on board with this one because it’s so widely accepted and adopted as the rule-of-thumb for dealing with your partner mid-fight.
Why it’s bad advice:
You’re not at your problem-solving best when you’re tired and nighttime darkness just adds to the overall feeling of hopelessness. It’s difficult to access ration, reason, and compassion with a tired brain and your attempts at resolution won’t be productive. And you might end up faux-capitulating just to end the fight, so a fair resolution is never achieved anyway. Pushing yourselves when you’re tired is probably going to do more damage to the wellbeing of your relationship than going to bed without a resolution. This is how those crazy-making talking-in-circles kind of fights tend to arise.
What to do instead:
Remind yourselves you’re on the same team, acknowledge that the topic matters and state your commitment to working it out when you’re both well-rested and calm.
If you’re at an impasse with your partner near bedtime, try this script:
*deep breath* I see that we are both overwhelmed/flooded/heated about this subject. I want you to know that this subject really matters to me and I want to treat it with all the care and tenderness it deserves. We are on the same team and I am not going anywhere. Could we try again for a resolution tomorrow when we are both well-rested and calm?”
“You have to be fully healed before you get into another relationship
Why it’s bad advice:
I don’t love this advice because it presupposes that we can “fully heal.” Is any of us ever fully healed? Are we ever done growing emotionally? If we waited to be fully healed from relationship trauma (or other trauma) before dating or getting into another relationship, we’d be waiting a long time, possibly forever! This advice doesn’t take into account that healing is a process, not a finish-line.
Moreover, most healing can only occur within a relationship such as learning to trust again. As Dr. Harville Hendrix put it, “We are wounded in relationship and we heal in relationship.”
What to do instead:
Instead of asking, “Am I healed enough to start dating or to start this relationship?” Ask yourself:
Am I aware of how my past hurt can impact my present and inadvertently hurt others?
Am I taking as much care in the process of shifting unhealthy relationship patterns as I could be?”
Am I open to feedback on how I relate to others?
Do I initiate repair when I have caused harm?
“You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else.”
Why it’s bad advice:
This is another one of those well-meaning adages that sound nice, but are actually inherently shame-y, and lacking nuance – especially of those who might be struggling with their mental health, an addiction, or other issues. It suggests that we are only “allowed” to love or deserving of love if we are good at loving ourselves. Does this mean we don’t deserve love just because we might not be good at loving ourselves? If so, who is the Decider? What is the standard of measure for love? How much do we have to love ourselves before it’s enough to date or start a relationship? There is no finish-line for this kind of thing. Like healing – which I mentioned above – loving yourself is a process. It is a journey not a destination.
What to do instead:
Remember that none of us came to the planet neither hating nor loving ourselves. We didn’t think about ourselves. We only learned to love ourselves through the visceral experience of BEING loved by our caregivers and family members. And that continues through the lifespan. Being shown that we have value and being treated with respect shows us how we can value, respect, and care for ourselves. Do you see how healthy relationships become self-perpetuating love machines?!
What do you think about this conventional wisdom about relationships? Do you agree with my takes? What other relationship advice would you like to see me tackle? Reply to this email or DM me on IG!
For more content on all things relationships, love, sex, dating, and heartbreak – follow me on IG: @hemispheres_counseling
