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Boundaries 101: An Intro to Taking Care of Yourself
Boundaries are necessary for the healthy development of relationships with friends, partners, co-workers, and family. Therefore, learning to develop the right boundaries is needed. I often hear the statement, “My _________ says I need boundaries.” That can be a confusing statement because there are many things that could be considered a boundary and it may be unknown what we should use boundaries for. Because of this, it can be difficult to develop boundaries that are consistent with our individual needs, values, and relationships. While they may not be wrong about you needing boundaries, it is important to recognize that we all need and can struggle with boundary development and maintenance.
Struggles with Boundaries
The reasons we struggle with developing and maintaining boundaries can vary, so developing boundaries that are realistic and unique to you may help with implementing and managing boundaries. Even though the boundaries we set may be realistic and unique, we may still have difficulties maintaining them based on a variety of factors. Some of these factors may be associated with dysregulation of emotions (Anxiety and stress), differing beliefs between you and another person, perceptual differences about a situation, individual and group pressure, and day-to-day challenges. Although this is true, commitment to a more intentional boundary-based lifestyle will increase your feelings of self-esteem and soundness in a part of your identity. Below we will look at the ways you can begin developing boundaries that work for you and your relationships.
Internal and External
Are boundaries Internally (Personal) or Externally (Relational) needed? Often, we need a blend of both personal and relational boundaries to increase our ability to feel safe, secure, and connected. Below we will define personal and relational boundaries and provide some examples.
Personal Boundary
A personal boundary may be something that you put in place for yourself to increase your ability to obtain your needs.
Example
Excuse yourself until you have calmed down (no longer than 15 minutes).
Relational Boundary
A relational boundary is something you set for someone else through the expression of your needs.
Example
When you find that you are upset in a situation, you tend to become angry and yell at your partner.
In this same situation you would come back to your partner and
1) Express your feelings through healthy I-statements
2) Express your need as it relates future situations.
3) Describe to your partner why this need is important to you
Formulation
Some good questions to ask yourself when beginning to understand your needs around boundaries need to be are:
- Do I feel taken advantage or do I take advantage of others?
- Do I have difficulty with emotional regulation or am I being appropriately dysregulated?
- Am I being sensitive or am I being disrespected?
- Do I seek out drama/conflicts or do they seek me out?
- Am I emotionally unsafe or am I the emotionally unsafe one?
Inventory
Initially, it can be difficult to formulate boundaries. First thing that can start to increase your confidence is to create an inventory of your needs, wants, values, how you would like your time spent, the people in your life you enjoy spending time with, and the types of behaviors you find acceptable and unacceptable. Additionally, if it feels appropriate, you can also list the types of conversations you want to engage in and what is important to you within your relationships. Once you have developed your inventory, begin to identify the items you feel are priorities to establish as a starting point. Next, it is important to begin either developing your method of implementation and communication strategies.
You
For you, a boundary can be implemented with less variables as you only have yourself to manage. One method to implement successful boundaries with yourself is to make sure not to implement too much, too quickly. Boundaries require consistency, not necessarily quickness. Another aspect of successful boundaries is accountability. Accountability can be achieved through planning in a concrete way to keep yourself accountable. If needed, you may include another person so that you can tell on yourself. Other suggestions are keeping a perpetual reminder on your phone or developing a system where you reward yourself for implementation.
Relationships
For your relationships, a large part of implementing and managing boundaries is effective communication. Developing or practicing ways to communicate a boundary or boundary violation to someone can help decrease fear around doing this. Below are some examples of how to communicate in a way someone else can receive it.
Taking It Slow
Boundaries are all about timing both for you and your relationships, so it is vital to know when a boundary should be set. Additionally, setting boundaries should not be about ultimatums, but rather should be about realistic needs that can either be met or not met by another person. Adjusting expectations is vital when setting boundaries as you cannot assume or predict how someone else will react. Focus on communicating your needs and desires rather than your expectations, as this can help increase the effectiveness of the boundaries you set.
Use Healthy I-Statements
You have probably heard of the term Healthy I-Statements before. Essentially, this means you begin by talking about what you feel and are experiencing instead of what the other person is doing to you. This can come in many forms but the one I have found is the most impactful is to express your moment-to-moment feelings. This means take a specific situation that has impacted you, inform the other person about what you feel in relation to what has happened, how you feel in the moment talking about it, tell them what you need (in general, not from them), and inform them about why this is important to you. Below we take a look at two examples. The first example is a boundary being implemented in a vulnerable way and the second is one being implemented in a very direct way.
Communicating in a Way Someone Can Receive It
Another statement I have heard many times is, “How do you say ___________ without it sounding ‘mean’ or ‘stupid’”. My answer to this is that there is always a way to express your needs in a clear, concise, and impactful way.
Practice
Situation #1
You have a couple named Frank and Alicia. Frank and Alicia go out with friends or at public events with many people. During these times, Frank tends to turn more into Friend Frank and forget about Alicia. Although Alicia has friends that she can talk to, she really wants to spend more time with Frank and because of their current dynamic, Alicia feels forgotten or alone.
Boundary with Vulnerability.
“Frank, I wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind for a while. I know that it isn’t fair not to share this with you as we should be on the same page about core things. I know we go out quite a bit and having friends is important to both of us. I have found though that during these times, I am needing a little bit more of us time. I miss us during the week and when I want to be connected to you during the time when we are out, it seems like we miss the opportunity. Even talking about this in the moment is creating feelings of fear and I can feel my stomach getting heavy. I think for me I am just needing more time together when we are in these settings. Is there a way we can plan on being interactive together with our friends and then break off and do our own things? It is important to me to feel connected to you more as our relationship is important to me. When I feel connected, I feel more fulfilled.
Situation #2
Ally (50) and Devon (32) are mother and daughter. Ally is critical and contemptuous towards Devon. Devon has dealt with low self-esteem from mom’s passive aggressive comments about her weight. Below is Devon providing Ally with a boundary.
Direct Boundary.
“Mom, I have been dealing with many difficult things lately, one of which is mental health surrounding my weight. I have been suffering with negative thoughts that come up surrounding the way I look. It has happened many times where I have heard you tell me what I have been eating, or that I need to diet. It has been even more difficult to hear these things because I am already in such a bad place. Our relationship is important to me and for me to feel safe and close to you, it is important to me not to have my weight mentioned when we are together. I understand if this request seems weird, however, I want to feel connected to you and this would allow me to feel more that way.
Fear
Fear can be a component that creates obstacles in implementation of boundaries or preferences. A fear may be that you would appear stupid for asking for something that is perceived as not necessary. It could be that you are afraid you may hurt someone’s feelings. Maybe it is that you are scared that someone may leave you if you tell them what you are needing. Or perhaps you have an inner critic that tells you that you need to do or be something for another person or yourself. All of these are valid concerns and ones that may keep you from asking for what you need. However, I pose this question: If you are unhappy or miserable with the current state of things and it doesn’t feel like you can go on with the way things are, is it worth it to try something else?
Take Action!
Think about the items in this article that have connected with you most. Take these items and begin to focus on one area at a time:
- Create a plan to increase follow through
- Give yourself a date to implement the boundary
- Keep track of your emotions to increase your understanding of potential obstacles
- Practice communication by talking to yourself in the mirror and playing out the situation
If you find that you are having trouble implementing this and you are needing additional help, reach out to a therapist. You have the ability to do this and sometimes we may just need help and constructive feedback. You deserve the change you want and a therapist can assist you in finding results.
