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One’s attachment style refers to the way we relate and attach to others, how we feel about ourselves, and how we interact with others in our day-to-day lives. Attachment styles are usually categorized into four main types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Secure attachment style: comfortable with intimacy, generally trusting of others, communicate emotions effectively, able to lean on others for support
Anxious attachment style: uncomfortable in their relationships, anxious and insecure about the stability and longevity of relationships, fear rejection or abandonment
Avoidant attachment style: uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, experience difficulty leaning on and trusting others
Disorganized attachment style: experience consistent confusion, mistrust, and fear in relationships
The term “attachment style,” by name, suggests that this is your set way of navigating relationships. But as you read through the characteristics, you likely may have felt like there is an exception to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationship.
For example, you may notices particular characteristics only ringing true for one friend, family member, or romantic partner, but other characteristics being true for other relationships.
The research shows our attachment “style” can change (and become more secure) over time AND more attachment-informed therapists these days refer to these patterns of being in relationships as attachment “strategies” rather than styles.
That is, you might reach out for reassurance when you feel insecure in your relationship as a strategy to feel closer to your partner; or you might distance yourself from conflict in a friendship in order to maintain status quo and some semblance of a connection.
Long story short?
It’s absolutely possible to find a secure, connected, emotionally safe relationship with a friend, family member, or partner.
Here’s how:
Identify your attachment style/strategies
- The first step in becoming more secure in your relationships is to identify your attachment style.
- This can be done through self-reflection, therapy, or taking an attachment style quiz.
- Knowing your attachment style/strategies will help you understand how you relate to others and what behaviors you might need to work on.
Challenge negative thoughts and beliefs
- If you have anxious or avoidant attachment styles you are often haunted by negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself and others.
- For instance, if you have an anxious attachment style, you might believe that you’re not lovable or that your partner or friends will inevitably leave eventually.
- Challenging these negative thoughts and beliefs can help shift your mindset and improve your relationships.
Practice self-compassion
- It can be challenging to confront the parts of ourselves that we don’t like or that cause us pain. However, treating ourselves with compassion and understanding can help us feel more secure in ourselves, and in turn, in our relationships.
Practice vulnerability
- Both anxious and avoidant attachment styles can make it difficult to be vulnerable in relationships.
- Someone who has an anxious attachment style might fear rejection while a person with an avoidant attachment style might fear intimacy.
- Practicing vulnerability by sharing your thoughts, feelings, and needs with your partner or even a friend can help you build trust and intimacy in your relationships.
Can therapy help me with my insecure attachment style? How?
Insecure attachment styles can devastate your relationships especially because we are social beings meaning we all innately crave meaningful connections.
If you’re not lucky enough to be on the secure attachment style, do not fret, with lots of self-reflection and therapy, it’s possible to change your patterns and create stable relationships.
Here is how therapy can help:
You’ll understand the root of the attachment style
- In therapy, you can explore your childhood experiences and relationships with caregivers.
- Understanding how your attachment style developed can give you insight into how it impacts your relationships today.
- Once you’re able to identify patterns and triggers, you can work towards changing these patterns and creating healthier behaviors.
Practicing healthy communication
- No relationship can thrive without proper communication.
- In therapy, you can learn and practice effective communication skills that can help you express your feelings and needs in a way that is assertive yet respectful.
- By improving communication, you can build stronger relationships and reduce misunderstandings.
Building a secure relationship with your therapist
- If you’ve never built a strong relationship before, therapy will act as the first stepping stone.
- Since a therapist understands your attachment style they can serve as a safe and supportive attachment figure, allowing you to experience and have a taste of a healthy attachment relationship.
- Through this relationship, you can learn what it feels like to be securely attached, which can help you create and maintain secure attachments with others outside of therapy.
