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It’s time to delve into a topic that isn’t often discussed but is crucial when considering couples therapy: Discernment Counseling. Many couples find themselves at a crossroads, wondering whether to take the plunge into therapy, part ways, or maintain the status quo. What you may not realize is that discernment counseling can help guide this decision-making process and provide you with some clarity on which path to take.
What is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling isn’t like your standard couples therapy. Instead, it’s a short-term, focused approach that helps couples understand their options before diving into extensive therapeutic work or making a life-altering decision like separation or divorce. Your three options are as follows:
Option 1: Status Quo
This one’s the path of least resistance, at least in the short term. Continuing on as you’ve been doing means not making any immediate changes. In the Gottman Method, this option can sometimes be likened to “gridlock” on perpetual problems—the couple remains stuck, with issues simmering below the surface. Often, the status quo is more comfortable initially but not constructive. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Option 2: Immediate Restructure
This is your “big change” option—think divorce, structured separation, or another significant shift in how you relate to each other. Sometimes this is the most realistic option, especially when one or both parties are unwilling to make the changes needed for a healthier relationship.
Option 3: Commit and Work
The third option is to commit to working on the relationship for a specific period, like six months. During this time, you’d engage in targeted therapeutic work with a clear plan, often using proven methods like the Gottman Method to rebuild and strengthen the relationship. After the period is over, you can make an informed decision about whether to continue the relationship.
Why Discernment Counseling?
The Gottman Method emphasizes the role of informed decisions in relationships. Before you invest in rebuilding your relationship, it’s essential to know what you’re getting into and what each pathway demands and offers. Discernment counseling provides this context. It allows you and your partner to explore each option honestly and make an informed choice, empowering both of you to take ownership of the path you select.
What the “Work” May Look Like
Should you choose to invest time and energy into revitalizing your relationship, here’s a glimpse of what that commitment might entail:
1. Assessment: Your therapist will likely start with a comprehensive assessment to understand the dynamics at play in your relationship.
2. Skill Building: Using the Gottman Method, you’ll learn communication and conflict resolution skills. You’ll also work on deepening your friendship and intimacy, which are the foundation of any solid relationship.
3. Individual Work: Often, relational issues stem from personal traumas or insecurities. Approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) can be incorporated to address these individual issues.
4. Regular Check-ins: Periodic evaluations help gauge progress and tweak your therapy plan as needed.
5. Long-term Plans: As you approach the end of your committed period, you’ll discuss long-term plans and assess the progress made to decide whether to continue investing in the relationship.
6. Decision Time: At the end of your designated time frame, you should have enough information and experience to make an informed choice about your relationship’s future.
So, there you have it—a discerning look at the three paths you can take when your relationship is at a crossroads. Whatever option you choose, the key is to make an informed, mutual decision. And remember, professional help is out there when you’re ready to take that step.
Until next time,
Jerry Wheeler, LMHC, NCC
