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Communication and using “I statements”
“I “statements vs “You” statements. How things are worded can make a big difference! Studies have shown that “I” statements reduce hostility and defensiveness and that “you “statements can provoke anger.
These strategies can be used in all relationships; family, friends, work, kids. I statements can be a helpful way to provide constructive feedback to other people. Rather than leading with criticism, it focuses the conversation on how you feel about it. This can often help the person who is receiving the feedback feel less criticized and more open to making changes.
I statements keep the focus on your feelings and what your experience of the situation is. “You” statements can often come across as blaming, which makes the person feel defensive.
“I feel like I struggle to explain how I feel sometimes” vs “You never understand me”
“I am worried that we will be late for the party” vs “Why aren’t you ready? You always make us late!”
Keep the focus on your own needs and feelings as opposed to what you are not getting or what didn’t happen.
“I miss you and would like to spend some time together” vs “You are so busy all the time and don’t seem to have time for me”
“It is frustrating to me when we have plans and I get blown off for something else” vs “You don’t even seem to care that we had plans first”
Beware of “You” statements in disguise! Be sure not to put “I feel” in front of a “you “statement. For example, “I feel like you are being a jerk.” (not so helpful)
These changes in how you communicate aren’t easy. It can be helpful to practice during conversations that don’t have a lot of emotional weight.
