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Okay, let me start off by saying, admittedly, I am not in the dating game. What I can say is that based on what I have heard from friends, clients, and social media, is that dating today sucks. If you are looking for more than just anecdotal information, look at recent Pew Research that suggests nearly 50% of Americans surveyed think dating is harder today than ten years ago. If you are in the midst of finding a love connection or just observing from the outside (like me), you likely feel baffled by the approach to dating these days.
Let’s start with an analysis of the portrayal of dating in reality TV. Turn on your television or any streaming service and you can find a myriad of options to watch others attempt to find love. Some shows tell us that they will help participants find “the one” while others tell us that “love is blind”. The problem with some, if not most of these shows is that for hopeless romantics alike, we are seeing a fantastical version of what being in a relationship really means. They typically include gendered stereotypes, oversexualized engagements, and a cast of characters who are perfectly waxed, dressed, tanned, and made up. Don’t get me wrong—I am a fan of Love Island as much as the next person; however, research shows that individuals who view dating reality shows hold more traditional views on relationships than those who do not watch. Years ago, this might have been fine, but today numerous reports show that traditional dating values are not as widely sought after. Bumble’s recent release of 2023 dating trends shows that about 30% of individuals are reportedly more open to dating outside of their “usual type” and another report tells us that daters are going on less traditional and more authentic dates.
Okay, so most of us, much to our chagrin, are not going to end up on a reality match making TV show. So, what alternative do we have in our ever-evolving technological world—online dating and dating apps of course! Research shows that more than half of never married adults are on a dating app. Moreover, about one in five adults aged 18 to 29 who are partnered report finding their love match through online dating. Even though many of us utilize online dating and apps, it does not come without out its challenges. Issues around safety, accuracy of physical appearance, and even cost of apps arise. Dating apps are reportedly “lagging behind” in safety measures leaving their users vulnerable. One study showed that over 1,200 women reported sexual assault by an individual they met through a dating app. Additionally, research shows that most people’s decision to swipe left of right is based on someone’s attractiveness and race. That’s not a major problem though since online daters can and do alter, edit, and curate the perfect yet not always accurate presentation of themselves. Finally, it’s no surprise that dating apps have capitalized on lonely hearts alike and are raising the price to find love. Listen to the podcast, The Price of Dating Apps on The Journal to get a sense of how dating apps are becoming more exclusive, and daters are paying to find “better” matches.
Why Dating Sucks from a Psychologists Perspective:
If you are not convinced already, I am going to share a few more reasons, from a psychological perspective of why I believe dating kind of sucks.
Dating is being treated like a game:
The combination of dating shows where you win money and features of dating apps are making it apparent that dating is a game. A study even showed that college students described dating apps as “fun, a joke, and game-like” (Hanson, 2020). The problem with this is that being in relationship with another person is not a game. Whether you are dating to find a committed relationship or a current companion, you are entering into some form of a relationship. When you treat a relationship as a game aspects like competitiveness, strategy, and jest show up. Treating dating as a game could even lead to manipulation and malintent. Being in a relationship is all about reciprocity. Reciprocity in a relationship means mutual engagement and exchange. Unlike a game where generally one person “wins”, reciprocity allows for both parties to benefit. For all these reasons dating can’t possibly work when it is a game.
Vulnerability and Authenticity Are Not Being Valued:
In today’s world we have so many options: what to order on Uber Eats, where to go on a trip, and now, who to date. No longer are the days of meeting someone at your local bar or at work. Instead, we turn to the world wide web and the options are endless. As you can imagine and with the previously mentioned data, online daters who are quite literally sharing themselves with the world may be less inclined to show up authentically. Of course, an online profile is only just a window into a person. Not only this, but one article states: “It is extremely eye-opening that people are willing to make a decision about whether or not they would like to get to know another human being, in less than a second and based solely on the other person’s looks”. How much room are we leaving for vulnerability or authenticity when we are making split-second decisions based on looks? We are closing ourselves off to the option of engaging in an authentic and vulnerable relationship. Vulnerability does not mean being an open book. Instead, vulnerability in a relationship means an honest exchange of thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Dating today focuses on the surface stuff. Although we can disclose aspects of ourselves on a dating app, it is hard to get to know someone authentically. Dating and romantic relationships cannot exist without vulnerability and authenticity.
We Still Have Our Own Healing to Do:
Last and maybe most importantly, your dating life sucks because you still have your own healing to do. Yeah—I’m sorry to be the bearer of this news, but dating doesn’t just suck because of technology, reality TV, or even the pandemic. Dating might suck… because of you. Now, I am not saying that people cannot date or be in relationships while simultaneously working on themselves. What I am suggesting though, is that if relationships are about reciprocity, vulnerability, and authenticity, we have to know how to engage in these things. For some of us, our previous experiences, personality characteristics and even family upbringing can make that hard. Luckily, we can make an active choice to work on this by building skills, self-awareness and trust. One way to do this might be through going to therapy. In therapy, you will have a safe space to explore and get to know yourself and your patterns of behavior better. In fact, therapy can be a lot like dating and relationships. It can take time to find a therapist who you like and is the right fit. You might even have to try a few out or “date” before you find “the one”. The therapeutic relationship as I describe it to my clients, is a microcosm of your real-world relationships. In this way, therapy can also provide an opportunity to “try out” communication, boundaries, and trust, in a non-judgmental environment. All of these things being vital to a healthy relationship.
If you’re dating life sucks, and you are ready to give that a change, please feel free to reach out for a 15-minute consultation call. I would love to help you prepare yourself to find love!
References:
Hanson, K. R. (2020). Becoming A (gendered) dating app user: An analysis of how heterosexual college students navigate deception and interactional ambiguity on dating apps. Sexuality & Culture, 25(1), 75–92. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-020-09758-w
https://nypost.com/2022/11/23/new-dating-trends-revealed-in-bumbles-2023-annual-report/
https://www.theknot.com/content/dating-trends
