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Let’s talk about love. What does it mean to you? When you read that world l-o-v-e what comes up for you? What do you see in your mind’s eye? Red hearts? Roses? The face of someone you love or someone who you believe loves you or someone whose love you lost? It’s so complicated. Language is so complicated. All love REALLY is is a 4-letter word. The social, cultural, personal, cognitive construction of love is so much more. 4 letters together can bring such joy or such pain and misery.
But, let’s get some perspective. Join me for a moment on this, will you? Let’s do an activity from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Follow me here. Let’s try this first with a “fairly” neutral 4-letter word – milk. Say “milk” out loud. Now, again, what are you thinking? What does the word bring up for you? White? Creamy? Maybe a memory of how you were forced to drink too much milk when you were a child? Or, a happy thought about how you enjoy a cold glass of milk, maybe you’re even thinking about cookies now. Crazy to think, isn’t it? 4 letters strung together are a powerful stimulus. Now, again out loud. Say “milk” over and over again for 20 seconds. As fast as you can.
Milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk.
Now, what do those 4 letters bring up for you? Kind of a funny sound, eh? No more opportunity for thinking, just experiencing the sounds the letters together bring. “Milk” loses its power. It is no longer attached to a bunch of cognitive associations. We have separated it into what it simply is – 4 letters strung together making a sound.
“Love” is the same. It’s just a 4-letter word. Yes, I know, it feels like there is SO much in there. So much feeling. But, who put it in there? What does l-o-v-e really mean anyway? I work with patients at the CBT Center of Central NJ who struggle with these concepts. “Am I in love?” “If I say ‘I love you,’ do I really mean it?” “Do I mean it the same way they do?” It gets complicated because in many ways we can never know. The 4-letter word is attached to so many different feelings or memories for each individual and, in reality, it’s just a 4-letter word. Let’s try the “milk milk milk” exercise with “love.” Say “love” out loud over and over for at least 20 seconds. As quickly as you can. Go for it.
Love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love.
Not feeling so warm and fuzzy anymore about the word, huh? It becomes a sound. It is just a word. Stop giving it so much power. Or, maybe you give it back its power by mindfully thinking about what it really means to you. What value does love hold? Taking some perspective and intentionally looking at your thoughts and beliefs helps. Often we can’t see past those thoughts – they are so automatic and cloud our perceptions. Put the thoughts down (maybe literally on paper) and really look at them. And remember, “just because you think it doesn’t make it true.” We tend to believe our thoughts are facts and that can sometimes get us in trouble. Thoughts come and go. Sometimes they are helpful. Sometimes they are not. You need the perspective and the context to help you evaluate.
What is love for you? What does that 4-letter word really mean to you? L-o-v-e
With “love,”
Dr. Michelle Drapkin
Behavior Scientist and Clinical Psychologist passionate about bringing science to life to help the world get better access to better treatment
Originally published on CBTCenterofCentralNJ.com
References:
Hayes, S. C., & Wilson, K. G. (1994). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Altering the verbal support for experiential avoidance. The Behavior Analyst, 17(2), 289-303.
