The ABCs of a great relationship

Always put your partner’s needs before your own and at the very top of your list. If you are reading here it is because you probably forgot this fundamental principle of great relationships. You probably did this naturally at the beginning of your relationship.  Get you back to that and you solve half the problem. This may seem counterproductive and even dysfunctional. However, if you constantly have your partner’s well-being in mind and your partner does the same, you’ve got it made! Just make sure you are reciprocated in your efforts.

Be at your best behavior. Stop bossing your partner around, trying to control his/her every move, or nagging. Just because you are home and in familiar territory you do not have to let the dogs out! Always act like when you were courting each other, always trying to impress each other with your best traits. Never speak badly about your partner to family or friends.

Compliment each other daily. Use big, super-charged words. Instead of saying: “You look nice,” try: “Wow, you are so handsome. You are hot! You are so gorgeous it hurts!” Use lots of exclamation points!!!

Don’t ever threaten. Don’t threaten anything, especially divorce or separation. Always use your best words, and be true to your words. I can just picture you saying: “Yes, but he/she makes me so angry!” Read on…

Exterminate nasty words and anger outbursts, no exceptions! Take time-outs, do whatever it takes not to show your anger. You are not a toddler. You are an educated, brilliant, accomplished adult. Yes, I know, you feel justified in letting the monster loose. You feel that your partner is doing you wrong. Go ahead, yell all you want, then. Will it solve anything? Will your partner finally hear you if you raise the decibels? Anger will kill your relationship, so do whatever it takes to tame it. You are in charge of your anger, nobody else. Do not blame your outbursts on your partner.

(For more help with anger, press this link now!)

Forget and forgive. When you are wrong, promptly and humbly apologize. You do not have to win every argument. In fact, do not try to win any argument. You do not have to prove your point. You are not in a competition, and trying to have the upper hand will only create strife. Let it go. Be the bigger person: forget and forgive, even if you think you were right. “Right” does not make for a great relationship. Better “kind” than “right.” Better loving than a stinky three-headed anger dragon spitting fire.

I hate to break it to you, but you are not perfect!!! You both messed up and made tons of mistakes. You will make tons of mistakes. Let them be. Do not keep rehashing them. They do not get any better or prettier. Stop talking about the past. Yes, this may seem contradictory to what therapists do with couples. We are different! Believe us, there is a time to talk about things to clear misunderstandings, and a time to shush, bury the past, and invest on the present.

Give plenty of affection. Do not withdraw love and affection just because your partner does not agree with you or you are mad. Make it a point to exchange affection and saying “I love you” daily, no matter how bad of a day you had.

Honor your commitments. When you say you will do something, do it. Be impeccable with your words. For example, don’t set yourself up for failure by promising “I’ll never get angry again.” Do honor your commitments by proclaiming “when I get angry next time, I will take a time-out.” Follow through with every word you said (that’s why you want to use your best words and not threaten)!

Imagine what your relationship would be like if you consistently applied these principles……..

You tried to do it yourself and it has not worked. You are not alone. We are here for you. We will help you create the no-fail system to stay on track.

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