What do you mean by “Attachment Style”?

Attachment style, at its core, refers to the way we relate and attach to others, which in most cases is based on our early childhood experiences.

Popularized in the 1930s by John Bowlby, a psychiatrist who worked with emotionally disturbed children for years, the attachment theory highlights the importance of having a strong emotional bond between a child and their primary caregiver.

This is because attachment styles influence not only how we feel about ourselves, but also our relationships, and how we interact with others in our day-to-day lives.

Understanding your attachment style can provide valuable insights into your behavior patterns and your emotional needs.

But most importantly it paints a picture of your emotional limitations and growth areas, which can help you improve your behaviors and relationships.

If you’re curious about this topic, here is a simple guide with everything you need to know about attachment styles.

What is attachment style?

Attachment styles are usually categorized into four main types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Let’s explore each of these attachment styles in detail.

Secure Attachment

People with this attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and are generally trusting of their friends and partners.

They feel secure in their relationships and are able to communicate their emotions effectively.

If you fall under this category, chances are high that you had positive early experiences with your primary caregivers and you formed a secure attachment bond.

This means that your needs for comfort and emotional support were consistently met, and you were able to develop a sense of trust and security with your primary caregivers.

This early experience has given you a secure base from which to explore the world fearlessly, and you have learned that you can rely on others for support.

Anxious Attachment

If you have an anxious attachment style, it means you had inconsistent or unreliable caregiving during your early childhood years.

This means that you were not always able to count on your caregivers for comfort as well as support, leading to feelings of insecurity and anxiety.

Unlike the secure attachment style, people with an anxious attachment style typically have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others.

They are often preoccupied with their relationships, and fear rejection or abandonment.

Someone with this attachment style may be seen by others as “overly dependent” on their partner, and they often struggle with regulating their emotions.

They can also been seen by others as having a tendency to become “overly jealous” or “clingy” in their relationships due to their difficulty with regulating emotions and the intense perception of what’s at stake if they lose their connected with their partner.

Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style have had caregivers who were emotionally distant or neglectful. This means that their needs for emotional support and comfort were not met.

For this reason, people with this attachment style can be seen as extremely self-reliant and independent, and they often avoid intimacy mostly because it’s hard for them to trust others.

They prefer to keep their distance from others but if they’re in a relationship they’re often uncomfortable with vulnerability and emotional expression.

While individuals with an avoidant attachment style can be seen by others as cold or emotionless, that is often far from the case. Similar to the anxious attachment style, those with avoidant attachment tendencies tend to find too much at stake to risk being vulnerable with others, but they still have the same needs of wanting to be accepted, loved, and cared for.

Disorganized Attachment

Finally, people with a disorganized attachment style have had caregivers who were both inconsistent and frightening. Or maybe they developed a secure attachment with one of their caregivers, and an insecure attachment with the other.

Those who fit in the disorganized attachment style often endured neglect and experienced abuse, which led to long-term feelings of confusion, mistrust, and fear.

How do I know my attachment style?

So how do you determine your attachment style?

• Reflect on the experiences you had in childhood

• • Think about your relationship with your primary caregiver when you were a child. Were your caregivers responsive and supportive, or distant and uninvolved?

     

• Observe how you behave in relationships

• • Consider how you interact with your partner and evaluate your past relationship. Do you feel comfortable being vulnerable and sharing your emotions? Do you worry about rejection or abandonment? Do you push away others or avoid intimacy when you feel like things are getting too serious?

  • These questions will reveal your deepest fears and help you see the patterns you’ve had in your past relationships.

     

• Take a quiz

• • There are many online quizzes available that can help you determine your attachment style. These quizzes usually consist of a series of questions that ask about your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships.

  • I’d recommend this one by The Attachment Project.

     

• Read books related to attachment theory

• • ‘Attached’ by Levine and Heller is a great one, and typically listed as a best-seller in the pop-psych/non-fiction section in most local bookstores.