If you have ever left a session feeling unheard, stuck, or unsure whether your therapist is the right fit, you are not alone. Deciding whether to break up with your therapist is one of the most common questions people have once they start therapy, and it can be hard to answer.

We put this guide together to help you think it through with less stress. Below, we cover why the connection matters, the signs it may be time for a change, how to bring it up, and how to find a better fit.

Why does the bond with your therapist matter so much?

Therapy is different from most care. With a broken bone, the treatment matters more than how you feel about the doctor. In therapy, the relationship itself is a big part of what helps.

The trusting bond between you and your therapist, sometimes called the therapeutic alliance, is one of the strongest predictors of how well therapy works, and it often matters more than the specific method they use. When you feel heard, you are more likely to open up and stay engaged, where progress happens. So if you do not feel safe or understood after a fair chance, that is not a small thing.

Is it normal to want to leave your therapist?

It helps to know that changing therapists is common. Research suggests about 1 in 5 adults stop therapy earlier than they planned, and many work with more than one therapist before finding a good match.

Wanting to leave does not mean you did something wrong, or that therapy failed. Sometimes the fit is simply off. A national health agency notes that if therapy is not helping, you may decide to look for a different provider or approach.

What are signs it might be time to switch therapists?

Every therapy relationship is different, and a rough patch alone is not a reason to leave. Still, a few signs come up often.

• It still feels off after a fair try. Building trust takes time, but if you have given it a genuine chance and still feel disconnected, that is reason enough to consider a change.
• You cannot agree on what you are working on. You and your therapist should mostly share a sense of your goals. Agreeing on them together is linked to progress, so a constant mismatch is a warning sign.
• You do not feel like a partner. Therapy works best as a team effort. If your therapist makes all the decisions and you feel left out, the fit may be wrong.
• You are not making progress after a reasonable time. You might enjoy your sessions and still not get what you came for. If little has changed after a few months, consider other options.
• Your therapist crosses a boundary. Therapists are generally held to a professional code of ethics. Behavior such as sharing your private information, or blurring the line between a professional and personal relationship, is a serious concern.

Does my therapist need to share my background?

You may wonder whether you need a therapist who shares your race, culture, gender, or life experience. The answer depends on you. Research shows that many people prefer a therapist who shares aspects of their background, and may feel more positively toward them at first. Even so, shared identity alone does not guarantee that therapy helps more, and how much it matters varies from person to person. What tends to matter most is whether you feel understood and respected.

Should you talk to your therapist before you leave?

Before you decide, it can help to name what is bothering you. Therapists are trained to listen, but cannot read your mind, so may not know you feel stuck.

This is not only about being polite. When tension comes up and you and your therapist work through it, that repair is linked to more progress. A simple opener works, such as, I have some concerns I would like to talk about. If they respond with openness, that is a good sign. If they get defensive, that tells you something too.

How do you end things with a therapist?

If you decide to move on, that is your right, and you do not need permission. Ending therapy well is ideally a shared process, where you name what you gained and wrap up in a way that feels complete.

You can keep it short and kind. You do not owe a long explanation, and no is a complete sentence. If saying it in person feels like too much, or a therapist has ignored your boundaries, a brief message is okay instead.

How do you find a therapist who fits you better?

Leaving one therapist is often the step that brings you closer to the right one. A good match can take time, so try not to get discouraged. A few places to start.

• Ask for a referral. Your primary care provider, or a friend or family member you trust, may be able to point you toward someone.
• Use trusted directories and locators. Government resources, such as the SAMHSA online locator, can help, and your insurance company can tell you who is covered by your plan.
• Check credentials and focus. Make sure anyone you consider is a licensed professional who works with your area of concern. You can call or email with questions before you book.

Free tools can also take some guesswork out of the search. We created Mental Health Match to make this part easier, and it is free to use. You answer a few questions about what you want, and we match you with therapists who fit, so you can read their profiles before reaching out.

It also helps to come with a few questions, such as how they work with your concern and how long the process may take.

When should you reach out for help right away?

Most decisions about switching can take the time they need, but a couple call for quicker action. If a therapist behaves in a way that feels unethical, such as sharing your private information or crossing personal boundaries, you can generally file a complaint with your state licensing board, and you do not have to keep seeing them in the meantime.

And if you are ever in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, please reach out for support right away. You can call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at any time, day or night.