Attachment Styles: How Psychology Explains Dating Woes

Have you ever been on a date where there are sparks right away, but then two or three dates later that person starts to pull away? Have you ever dated someone that only gives you love an attention on their terms, but then disregards your own needs? Have you ever been in a relationship where you would do anything to stay, but all the signs are telling you to leave?

If you have ever experienced or are currently in a relationship that feels like an emotional roller coaster, you are not alone! The good news is, you can learn to recognize people who do not have interest in committed relationships and spend your valuable time meeting people who are ready for a steady relationship. I recently read the book, Attached. by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. where they go in depth into the concept of attachment theory. It essentially explains the psychological and biological reasons for why we behave the way we do in relationships. According to the authors, every person falls in to one of three attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure.

The 3 Attachment Styles

According to Attached., anxious people “crave intimacy and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back”, while avoidant people “equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness”. Secure people, however “feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving” (Levine & Heller, 2012, back cover).

Now that you are aware of these attachment styles, I bet that right now you are thinking about all the people you dated and what category they fit into or alternatively how one of these styles explains your own dating patterns. Want to know for certain what attachment style you are? Take a free quiz here that only takes about 5 minutes!

The path to dating someone secure, and becoming more secure yourself along the way.

• If you know you have an anxious attachment style it is important that you stay clear of avoidant people. It is essential to learn to recognize the red flags of an avoidant person. If you are looking to be in a long term relationship, do not waste your time on someone who provides you with ambiguous answers about commitment. Avoidant people tend to string you along by giving you just enough of what you need to stay, but not enough of what you need to feel secure which will only trigger your anxious habits, for example, obsessive behavior or other insecure habits.

• Dating a secure person will mean they do not activate your anxious attachment system. Secure people are direct with there feelings and needs and do not avoid situations that are emotionally challenging. They have the capacity to recognize when their partner is having a problem and they try to resolve issues in healthy ways. Dating a secure person will help to remediate some if not all of the harmful patterns that get triggered when you are anxious.

• My avoidant folks…I do not want this blog to lead you to the conclusion that you are undeserving or unworthy of a romantic relationship. The authors of this book describe that attachment styles are the result of evolutionary factors that have made avoidant people in particular, more independent and less dependent on the need for intimacy. In the same way that anxious people have to recognize when their attachment system is activated, you can also learn to identify your own triggers that cause you to distance yourself from relationships. It can be difficult to fight against instinct, but it is possible to see and embrace the positives of having a intimate and emotionally dependent relationship.

Dating Tips that improve a secure attachment style and decrease anxiety

1. When dipping into the dating pool, the authors suggest to try to date more openly. Not meaning you should get entangled in multiple relationships, but more along the lines of not putting all your eggs into one basket (poly relationships are a whole other story, we’re focusing on monogamous relationships) When you have dating options it can be easier to recognize when one date is working out better than another and move on quickly to the person you feel most connected to.

2. Beware of the “Phantom-Ex”. In Attached., the authors refer to this idea of the phantom-ex which is the habit of idealizing or romanticizing a previous partner. In this case, we are actively preventing ourselves from meeting a better and available match. In all reality, there is probably more than one reason that previous relationship did not work out and as soon as you realize that, you can then move on to something in the present with a potential future!

3. You will know you are dating a secure person when your emotional needs are completely met. You won’t be worrying and doubting how they feel about you and you will not be scared to communicate your needs in fear of driving them away. Dating a secure person does not guarantee you will have a peaceful conflict free relationship. What it does mean is that the two of you will have better odds of successfully finding compromises and resolution when disagreement happens.

I hope these insights about Attachment Theory will help you in your next dating adventure. Happy dating and good luck!