People Pleasing and Attachment Styles

I recently finished my doctorate degree and as you would expect, working through the arduous process of my dissertation project was one of the most challenging experiences to face, especially with the constant pressure of feeling “good enough.” As I prepared for my dissertation presentations, I found myself agonizing over making sure the paper and presentation were absolutely “perfect,” which is an easy path to take when you know you are going to get feedback from 5 separate people whose job is to literally judge your work and provide criticism along the way. I had to constantly check myself when making changes in my work to ensure I was making changes that meant enhancing or improving my work rather than simply meeting the needs of others. For those of you who are in academia, I know you know the feeling of “imposter syndrome,” and the weight your committee’s feedback on your work. This happens outside of academia, of course, whenever we are simply evaluated from our bosses, teachers, mentors, parents, etc. People pleasing often emerges from instances throughout our childhood where we may have felt “not good enough,” or a parent/caregiver may have criticized us in some way, or maybe even expected us to take care of others before taking care of ourselves (i.e. parentification). Let me tell you a (not so) secret: airplane rules have it right-ALWAYS place your oxygen mask on your face before you EVER even CONSIDER putting that mask on others. You simply cannot pour from an empty cup and anyone who expects you to is probably trying to take advantage of you in some way, or you may have inadvertently shown them that you are willing to sacrifice your own needs in order to meet the needs of others.

So, how does people pleasing connect to attachment styles? Well, many of you were probably able to make the connection to those of us (yes I am included in this category) who identify as an anxious attachment style. It makes sense, right? You might be consistently worried about other’s impression of you, whether or not they like you, or if they are going to stick around. This might result in doing outlandish, completely out-of-character, self-destructive methods in order to keep someone in your life…which often does come in the form of people-pleasing. It could be that you haven’t had someone in your life that you have been able to rely on, yet you crave it immensely and are literally fearful of losing someone important in your life that you avoid conflict altogether, which often looks like fearful avoidant attachment styles. This might look like constantly meeting other’s needs in order to “keep the peace” and avoid any confrontation or conflict that may emerge, even if you are being taken advantage of.

This is a gentle reminder to place your mask on first, so to speak. You should never be expected to fill from your already empty cup, and instead should focus on ways you can fill it first, before ever thinking you are able to meet the needs of others. I also encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:

Am I doing this for this person to like me or to stick around?
Am I doing this for myself because it makes me fulfilled or rewarded?
Is this being externally expected of me or do I hold some intrinsic motivation to do this?
If you aren’t able to answer the previous questions, at least ask yourself this: What is my intent in doing this for this person?

This can be the first step in evaluating your needs, your intentions, and begin the work in determining what is the healthiest path for you to take moving forward. Although it might “feel good,” and others may be appreciative of your contributions, people-pleasing can also be formed from a conditioned response that may have been helpful for us in the past, but is now depleting our current selves. I encourage you to ask yourself these questions and to consider ways you can also develop boundaries so you are no longer filling other’s cups (or putting on other’s oxygen masks) before your own.