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Starting a new relationship is exciting. You may find yourself fantasizing about the future, imagining your wedding and picking out names for your children. But that excitement and happiness may be tainted by anxiety and fear – what if I do something wrong and they break up with me? What if they learn something shameful about me that ends the relationship?
If you struggle with feelings of fear and anxiety at the start of a new relationship, or at any point during dating, you may have an anxious attachment style. Attachment styles characterize how we relate to people close to us, especially romantic partners. People who are anxiously attached struggle to form deep, secure relationships, despite craving closeness and intimacy. An anxious attachment might manifest as feeling unworthy of love, frequent need for validation, or ignoring your own needs to focus on the needs of your partner.
It’s possible to change an insecure attachment style to a secure one, but it requires deep introspection and examination of your first insecure attachments. For many people that is their parents, but for some it may be their first love, a caregiver, a sibling, or a close friend. These people may not have provided you with the unconditional love, encouragement, or support you wanted and needed. The patterns created by these early relationships set the stage for your current and future relationships. Even though you may crave unconditional love, if you’ve grown up learning that love must be earned or will only be given if you act a certain way, then you may fall into relationships where love is contingent upon a specific set of behaviors. One example of this is people who identify as perfectionists, where they only feel worthy of love if they are “perfect” and fear that love will be withdrawn if they make a mistake.
Once you understand the early patterns that lay the foundation for your insecure attachment style, the next step is to work through those behaviors as they occur in real-time. Having a therapist who understands attachment theory is crucial, as they can help you examine the patterns you bring to a new or current relationship and work with you to change those behaviors as they occur.
If you feel ready to make these changes and are looking for someone to help guide you through dating, relationship issues, or becoming more securely attached, I am an expert in these areas and currently accepting new clients.
You can learn more about me and my background here: https://www.laurenbronsteintherapy.com/. I look forward to hearing from you!
