When Couples Fall Into the Feel Better/Get Better Trap

Hello! I’m a clinical counselor who specializes in couples therapy. Now, before you click away with thoughts like, “Couples therapy? That’s only going to make things worse,” hear me out.

I understand that for some, couples therapy comes with a stigma attached. There’s a common belief that talking openly about your problems might only cause further division or make you feel worse. But that perspective, my friends, is what I like to call the “Feel Better/Get Better Trap.”

What is the “Feel Better/Get Better Trap”?

Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. We’re all biologically wired to want to feel better. It’s why we reach for a pint of ice cream after a tough day or put on our favorite TV show to avoid thinking about a looming deadline. Feeling better is an immediate reward, and let’s be honest—who doesn’t like immediate rewards?

The problem is that opting for what feels good in the moment can often sidetrack us from what we need to *actually* get better. This concept is very much at play in relationships. It’s easier to sweep issues under the rug and continue as you were rather than confront the issues and work on solutions. This can erode trust and harm the bond.

Why Couples Therapy is Worth It

Imagine you’re dealing with a physical ailment. Let’s say you’ve got a painful toothache. Numbing it with over-the-counter medication might offer immediate relief, but unless you visit the dentist, that pain will come roaring back. The same applies to relationships. Temporary relief might feel good, but it doesn’t solve the underlying issues.

The Gottman Method, which forms the backbone of my approach, focuses on building stronger relationships through improving your communication, understanding each other’s emotional needs, and finding compromise. I also incorporate psychodynamic and attachment-informed work, often using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach.

Yes, diving into these issues can be uncomfortable and even painful. But it’s in that discomfort where true growth happens. You learn new ways to communicate, new methods for resolving conflicts, and gain a deeper understanding of your partner (and yourself!).

But What If My Partner Won’t Go to Therapy?

Ah, the age-old question. One of the toughest challenges is when one partner is willing to give therapy a go, and the other is a hard pass. In an ideal world, both partners would be equally invested in the healing process, but we all know life’s not that simple.

Here’s the thing: Change in a relationship doesn’t have to be a two-player game. One person can definitely influence the relationship for the better.

When one partner begins to make positive changes, it disrupts the current, often problematic, dynamics. You start setting boundaries, improving your communication, and understanding your own emotional needs and triggers better. These changes can influence your partner and the relationship as a whole in a positive way, even if they’re not directly participating in therapy themselves.

Breaking the Stigma

Let’s crush this notion that asking for help is a sign of weakness or that couples therapy is a relationship death sentence. Therapy is just a tool—one of many—to help you both navigate your lives together in a healthier and more fulfilling way.

Bottom line: If you’re both committed to the relationship, no problem is too big to tackle. Whether both of you are all in, or just one of you is taking that brave step towards healing, the effort you put in is an investment in a healthier, happier future together.

Don’t fall into the “Feel Better/Get Better Trap.” Choose to get better, even when it feels hard, because your relationship is worth it.

And as always, if you’re facing issues that you can’t navigate on your own, professional help is available. There’s no shame in asking for it.

Until next time,

Jerry Wheeler, LMHC, NCC