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My husband likes to joke that there is no such thing as the right man, because if he was right, he’d be a woman.
But of course, it’s not that easy, and I know how much pain and heartache lie underneath this question. You want to experience real connection and unwavering commitment, and you want to spend your life with a companion who gets who you are.
Instead, you might be wondering what that psychopath is doing next to you on your couch, and why you keep picking sour lemons.
Here are some angles you might want to consider:
1) It feels normal, kind of like home. Is there anything else out there?
2) I am trying to get it right this time!
3) I need to get him to like me, right?
Let’s go into these three angles in more detail.
1) It feels normal, kind of like home. Is there anything else out there?
Digging deeply into this question might cause some hurt. Don’t worry, it won’t last. It’s something you might want to process in therapy to clear that belief FOR GOOD.
If you look at your previous or current relationship, is there anything that feels familiar? Ride this feeling back in time. Was there a time when you felt like how you are feeling in your relationship right now?
Was Mom critical of you? Did she blow up suddenly, and you kept quiet, walking on eggshells? Was Dad rarely there, emotionally unavailable, or at a total loss when it came to sitting with his little girl to listen and comfort her when she was scared?
Maybe it was worse. Maybe Mom drank three Martinis every night and Dad passed out in the hallway, wasted out of his mind.
What did you learn as a little girl to keep yourself safe? What did you do to keep Mom happy so she wouldn’t blow up? Did you try cook for your younger siblings so Mom could nurse her hangover? Or did you simply keep quiet, shutting down your ability to feel because it was your way of staying safe in the environment you called your home?
You know your story. And if you dig deeply, you know what you used to do as a little girl to keep the peace and make sure your caretakers didn’t abandon you. You know what you did to be as good as you could possibly be, so they would love you.
Now, look at your previous or current relationship. Do you notice similarities? If you keep picking “the wrong man”, you may be picking what’s familiar. Familiarity is less scary that the unknown because you already learned how to survive in it.
What you would want to do in therapy is to identify “limiting beliefs” about yourself and others. We call them limiting beliefs because, well, they are limiting. What you concluded as a little girl about how to do love with your primary caretakers reflects the understanding you had as a little girl. Children aren’t qualified experts when it comes to the truth about adult relationships. The problem is that we are taking these early beliefs with us into adulthood and treating them as permanent truths unless we examine them and run a thorough update.
A child may conclude “I’m unimportant, I need to earn love, I’m not enough,” when their environment is, well, crazy. A child can’t grab their car keys and tell their parents: “If you don’t get your act together and stop yelling, I’m out of here.” A child, in their sweet, innocent, childlike understanding will think that something they did brought about the chaos. Maybe, there is something wrong with them. Maybe life is a crazy, unsafe place. Maybe you’ve got to take what you can get. Or, maybe, this is what love and relationships are like.
That’s why we call these deep-rooted core beliefs “limiting beliefs”. They’re not necessarily wrong, but they could use a serious update.
If you’re not pleased by the quality of a mate you keep hosting on your couch, you may want to identify and update your core beliefs. By the way, this limiting belief business applies to all genders!
2) I’m trying to get it right this time!
This version of hosting an unsatisfying character on your living room furniture is similar to version 1, but it’s an advanced stage. I want to call it “seeking a corrective experience”.
You’re aware of your limiting beliefs, and you kind of tried to run an update, but you’re still drawn to partners who treat you poorly, make you miserable, or make you wonder if you’re deserving of love at all.
You pour all your energy into getting it right this time. Heck, you’ve been there before. You’ve got experience. You survived your childhood, and you’re still standing. If only you can tweak the unsavory character on your couch a bit, or if only you can be a little bit better than you are, maybe you can make it work this time?
We’ve all been there, at least I think so.
Why do they keep doing this to us? If only they could change. If only we could make them change. If only we could change so they love us, or make them try a little harder. You work overtime in your relationship, which most likely earns you some form of resistance, conflict, or a cold shoulder.
You keep your mouth shut and keep trying to fix your partner, yourself, and “be positive”. On the inside, your inner light is dimming.
In this advanced version, you’re aware of the wild ride of your childhood and you’re trying to fix what couldn’t be fixed in your family of origin.
This one might work out if your partner gets on the same page with you, and both of you examine limiting beliefs about love and relationship you learned in childhood. In other words, you will repeatedly do what you wish you could have done in childhood but couldn’t.
The way out, again, is to identify limiting or core beliefs about yourself and run a serious update. With this update, you are much more likely to choose a partner who matches your new and more accurate belief system about yourself.
When you know without a shred of a doubt how precious you are, you are less likely to settle for less.
Outer experience is a reflection of inner reality. You aren’t really attracting the wrong partner. You’re picking partners who match your deepest inner beliefs about yourself.
You feel deep down that no one will love you unless you earn it? You’ll pick a match and set the matching dynamic into motion because maybe, just maybe, this time you can prove that you deserved love all along.
3) I need to get him to like me, right?
Women are socialized to be “nice” at the expense of denying their feelings. We aren’t supposed to be anything but nice, let alone angry. And worse, women depended on pleasing men for thousands of years, because their survival depended on finding a mate who could feed and house them. The need to please men is deeply ingrained, and girls are still socialized into being likeable, nice, petty, desirable, and anything else that tends to suffocate the life force out of them.
The solution to this dilemma is not blaming men or turning into a man-rejecting siren.
But think about it. The last time you went on a date, how many times did you check yourself in the mirror or ask yourself if you are being nice enough so he will like you?
This limiting belief is universal, and it’s time to do away with it.
Next time you go on a date, or when you’re with your current partner, pay close attention to how he makes you feel. How do you feel when you’re with him? If you bend backward to get him to like you, you’ll spend your life with a backache if you stay with him.
We can’t blame him either, really, because how is he supposed to know you’re twisting yourself into a pretzel to be good enough for him?
When you’re looking for a suitable mate, start by clearing the slate of limiting beliefs about yourself and others. Wipe that slate clean of anything you’ve seen at home because this is your life and you have agency to choose a whole new life pattern that does not reflect what you previously considered “normal”.
Practice mindfulness. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re with him. The body doesn’t lie. If your body, mind, or spirit feels like a pretzel, you need to do some work untwisting.
Pay attention to how you feel when you speak your truth. If you’re not ready to speak your truth, go back to the drawing board and do more work on yourself.
Write a list of what you want in a partner, and I don’t mean “handsome and rich”. Identify your values, and spend some time thinking about what kind of life you want to create with a person you’re bringing into your life. What are your deal breakers? What are your real, authentic dreams?
Commit to a partner when you have committed to yourself and what you want in life.
This is not to say you’ll find the perfect man, because, as my husband said, if he was perfect he’d be a woman (or non-binary, gay or transgender.) But you’ll stand a good chance of making different choices that honor who you are and who you want to become as you go through that precious stretch of time you call your life.
