Gift of Therapy

I was a therapist who did not “need” therapy. I started my career working with a very vulnerable population, children in foster care. These children had experienced horrors that were hard for me to even imagine. I created a safe environment for them, I worked hard to gain their trust, to provide a non-judgmental space where they felt supported, heard, validated and could begin to heal. I later moved on to working with all age groups. Most of my clients were impoverished, living in neighborhoods riddled with violence. Many of my clients were severely mentally ill. Again I told myself these clients, they are the ones who need therapy. I recognized I was experiencing depression and anxiety but I was a therapist. I gave my client’s tools to cope, I helped them heal, I could do the same for myself. I might have recognized my depression and anxiety but, I did not see my own resistance. I continued to work hard to create safe spaces for my clients. Spaces free from judgment, where my clients could be fully heard, be their authentic self, be supported. I worked hard to build strong relationships with my clients so trust can grow and they could work on healing. My client’s trusted me to create these spaces for them, to sit with their pain, to sit with their despair, their fear, but, I struggled to trust anyone to make that space for me. I neglected my own mental health and it was screaming at me to give it the attention it needs. If I had an infection I would have gone to the doctor but a therapist nahhh I did not need it. Until my mental health started screaming louder and louder that I needed to pay attention to it. I finally realized I could not help others on their healing journey if I was unable to get myself help.

It was terrifying finding someone I could trust, It was complicated finding someone who took my insurance and had times available that would work with my schedule. The search felt exhausting. After finally finding a therapist allowing myself to be vulnerable in sessions seemed like an insurmountable hurdle which I crossed slowly. I started to learn it was worth it. I would be lying If it told you the first therapist I went to was a perfect fit. They were not. I have always believed that one of the most important parts of therapy is the therapeutic relationship. I told my clients at each intake appointment you should feel like your therapist is a good fit for you. Mine was not. I had to terminate with my therapist which was difficult. I had trouble with often putting others’ needs in front of my own and fears of disappointing people. Which was an area I needed to address in therapy. I started my search again for a therapist who would be a good fit. This time I was successful. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I felt safe and learned how very important finding time to focus on your mental health is. I neglected mine for years and told myself it was ok because I was helping others. I was not truly ok though. If I kept down this path I would have hit a brick wall and would not have been able to help my clients, to be there for my family. The best gift I ever gave myself was the gift of therapy. I know how challenging and frightening this process is but, I would love to see everyone give themselves the same gift.