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We hear about self-love all the time. “In order to love someone else, you need to love yourself first.” But, how do you develop self-love, especially when you have a history of difficult relationships, trauma, or other struggles?
WHAT IS SELF-LOVE?
Before working toward increasing self-love, it is important to understand what self-love is. Self-love is a way of thinking about yourself that involves appreciation, and having a high regard for yourself and your well-being. You recognize your value in the world and you take care of yourself in a loving way. You enjoy a sense of well-being, experience less stress and greater resilience, feel better equipped to take healthy risks, develop empathy and self-compassion, and you may enjoy greater ease in your relationships.
Loving yourself means you do not sacrifice your own needs in order to please others. You do not settle for less than you deserve. You trust yourself. You have confidence in yourself and your abilities, and you feel able to handle life’s challenges. Sometimes the idea of self-love can be confusing because practicing self-love may involve setting boundaries or distancing from toxic people. For people pleasers, taking those steps can feel uncomfortable. Developing self-love is like developing a muscle. The more you practice, the stronger you get.
What does self-love look like? When you practice self-love you may think and talk about yourself with love, prioritize your needs, stop judging yourself (such as comparing yourself to others), trust yourself, set healthy boundaries or forgive yourself when you are not perfect.
CULTIVATING SELF-LOVE
Practice Self-Care. Developing self-care routines support your sense of well-being. Practicing self-care does not have to be some kind of grand gesture, such as taking a bubble bath, going for a massage or working out extensively. Simple acts such as taking the time to make a cup of tea, filling your refrigerator with healthy food, reading a book, going for a short walk or even disconnecting from social media, may nurture your physical, mental and emotional health.
Esteemable acts. One way to cultivate self-love involves doing esteemable acts for yourself or others. Taking action that is aligned with the best version of yourself promotes positive feelings about yourself, a feeling of (healthy) pride in yourself and a sense of accomplishment. Examples of esteemable acts include: calling a sick friend, returning a shopping cart to the cart corral rather than leaving it in the parking lot, cleaning out a drawer, making a donation, or sending a thank you note. Small gestures of kindness go a long way toward promoting feelings of self-love.
Practice mindfulness. While some believe that mindfulness practice involves meditation, mindfulness is a way of living and thinking. While meditation is a practice, mindfulness is a way of being that involves living in the present. It is a way of relating to the environment and the self. John Kabat-Zinn, one of the most well-known contributors to the mindfulness movement, defines mindfulness as “the awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.” While mediation can be a path for cultivating mindfulness, other ways to practice mindfulness include: creating a daily gratitude list, taking a mindful walk, single-tasking, or mindful eating.
Challenge negative thoughts. Challenging negative thoughts involves the practice of reframing negative thoughts and developing new, more positive thoughts to promote a sense of well-being. Some common negative thinking patterns include: black and white thinking, personalizing, catastrophizing, filtering out the positive, and only acknowledging the negative. Challenging negative thoughts, and replacing them with positive thoughts, is a practice that takes time and patience to develop and contributes to a more satisfying life.
Set boundaries. Loose or undefined boundaries may lead to feeling like a doormat, feeling steamrolled or feeling generally out of control. When you strive to please others, you may walk away from certain situations feeling angry, confused, depleted, anxious or wound up.
Often the concept of setting boundaries is misunderstood to mean that you must have rigid rules that block others out, you must confront others to establish or maintain boundaries, or that having healthy boundaries results in having fewer friends. However, creating and maintaining healthy boundaries promotes feelings of good-will toward yourself and others.
Examples of healthy boundary setting include: sharing information with others appropriately, understanding your personal needs and knowing when and how to express them, accepting when others say “no,” and understanding when it is important for you to say, “no” to others. Again, learning to set healthy boundaries is a practice, and when you understand how to set healthy boundaries, your sense of self and well-being improves.
Disconnect from toxic people. Toxic behavior is contagious as it is a defense mechanism used when one feels unsafe in a situation or relationship. A toxic person may be constantly pessimistic, disrespectful of your time, or may be manipulative. Being around toxic people can be dangerous to your physical and mental well-being. Signs of a toxic relationship may include leaving an encounter feeling angry, confused, irritated, invisible, discounted, sapped of energy, or feeling badly about yourself. In short, spending time with toxic people jeopardizes the cultivation of self-love. Graciously leaving a toxic relationship may open you up to enjoying new, more healthy relationships and experiences.
Learning to love yourself is a process that takes time, patience and practice. Working with a therapist is one approach to cultivating self-love. If you have the desire and the willingness to try something new, I can help you develop self-love and experience a greater sense of well-being. If you are interested in scheduling an appointment or a complimentary 15-minute consultation or call me at (310) 486-8842.
Corey Hirsch
https://www.coreyhirschlcsw.com
