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Setting boundaries and maintaining them can be like hanging clothes to dry in a tornado at first- it feels like no matter how many times you say “no” or explain your limits, they get blown right over. Read how to say no and make it stick!
Setting boundaries can be so foreign, a skill that takes practice to hone. Some folks may start to set them and quickly back off (because it feels so uncomfortable, the backlash from others can be painful) though this is a mistake. If you identify as a people pleaser, or find your comfort and purpose through assisting others, it’s no surprise that holding a boundary is difficult. However, boundaries are an expression of love for yourself and ultimately others. Being able to maintain these boundaries, especially with loved ones who are used to crossing over them swiftly, can bring you increased self awareness, fulfillment and peace.
Tip #1: Set it firmly. Have you ever started out saying no to a request only to find yourself having agreed to it moments later? Me too, it happens all the time. My first tip in setting boundaries is to be clear with the other person on what the boundary is. For example, if you are busy on Thursdays and a friend asks you to drive her to go shopping that day (because she really needs some things and you are the only one who can possibly help), be clear that Thursdays are not going to happen, no way, no how. When we set ambiguous boundaries or leave things too open to interpretation, people who are used to crossing boundaries will see that as an opportunity. For this example, saying something like “I am not able to drive you at all on Thursdays. I’m unavailable the entire day” can do the trick. This leaves no room for “well, maybe after work?”.
Tip #2: Maintain confidence. Folks who are used to taking advantage of your purpose boundaries have learned over time that if they keep pestering you, asking you again, whining and even blaming you for their hardships you will give in and that boundary will slide. Difficult as it may be, maintain your confidence. Do not waver. This might look like you practicing in the mirror before speaking to the boundary-crosser, it also may look like you role playing it with a friend or therapist. Either way, portray yourself as confident when setting a limit. Body posture, your voice, the words you use all play a part in portraying confidence. Stand up straight, look like you mean the words you’re saying because you do! It’s like a duck on the water, you want to appear calm, confident and not show your legs paddling uncontrollably underneath. With practice, this is possible.
Tip #3: Be a broken record. No matter the situation, (might be a partner pressuring you to stop studying and go out with them tonight, might be a coworker asking for help on a project they were assigned weeks ago) stay consistent in your reply. Be like that scratched record playing the same note on repeat: “My answer is still no.” Feel free to get creative with this and find other ways of saying no such as “maybe in the future, but not today” or “I appreciate the offer, and it’s not going to happen tonight.” Either way, no matter the other person’s tactics (even if well intentioned), stay true to yourself and your values by sticking to your script. If this was something you were willing or able to do, you would have said yes initially. You’re allowed to set limits, say no, ask for what you want without putting somebody else’s needs above your own.
