Lets Talk Attachment Theory

Have you ever wondered why you keep seeking out similar patterns in relationships, when logically you know they might not be the healthiest for you, but in your gut, something deeper is pulling you towards a person who elicits certain feelings in you? I have found that in my work as a therapist, relationships are the most crucial, important, and impactful experiences in our lives. Having healthy relationships makes us more resilient to life’s challenges, less likely to experience chronic stress (leading to inflammation and physical health problems), and gives us a sense of belonging and a belief that we are not alone in our human struggles. Research has even shown that our physical experience of pain actually lessens when we are in close proximity of a loved one. 

Relationships are pretty much everything. I think of relationships like learning how to ride a bike. Very early on, we learn how to be in relationships. We learn this implicitly, before we can even understand language. We experience relationships by how our caregivers tend to our needs, how they love us, nurture us, reflect back through facial expression that they understand us, and how they respond to us when we are in pain or suffering. 

It is through these early critical relationships that we learn what relationships feel like, and what it means to give and receive love and affection. This information is translated into our adulthood. Research on attachment theory has shown the significance of early childhood relationships and the true impact of relational wounds and attachment trauma. 

Secure Attachment

Let’s start with understanding secure attachment. A secure attachment style is the healthiest form of attachment (which in turn obviously allows for the healthiest relationships). This is when you feel safe, secure, and grounded in your relationship, trusting that your partner will not abandon or betray you, and have a sense of interdependence (healthy dependency – a balance of depending on your partner and also depending on yourself). Securely attached individuals are typically reliable, consistent, and able to initiate and receive repairs after a rupture (disagreement or argument) takes place. Secure attachment creates a strong sense of safety and trust in the relationship. 

Those who have a primary secure attachment style likely grew up with caregivers who were attentive to their needs, nurturing, and allowed healthy emotional expression. This isn’t to say these parents were “perfect”, because the perfect parent does not exist, but that overall, the child grew up with a sense of security, belonging, and trust that their emotional and physical needs would be met by their caregivers.

A secure attachment creates a base where a child can feel loved and supported by their caregiver, and also feel a sense of confidence and security in exploring the world outside of their primarily attachment. For example, child can spend time with parent, feel safe in knowing that parent is present, attuned, and calming. Parent has the ability to regulate the child’s nervous system, to soothe them when they are upset. The child feels secure enough to wander off and leave parent to play with toys or engage with peers, knowing that parent will still be there when they are ready to go back to parent. Parent is the safe and secure home base. 

Securely attached individuals typically feel secure within themselves and in their relationships. They have the ability to self-soothe and the ability to receive care from their partner in times of need. There is a core feeling of emotional safety. 

Anxious Attachment

Now we’ll explore anxious attachment. Anxious attachment styles often stem from uncertainty and inconsistency in early childhood relationships. An example of this could be a child who has a parent who struggles with addiction. There may be days where this parent is emotionally and physically present and incredibly loving. Then there may be days where the parent is either absent or emotionally unstable. 

For the child, this creates a strong sense of uncertainty, anxiety, and hyper-vigilance. Even when the parent is present and emotionally attuned, the child might feel a lack of security, because they do not trust that this loving feeling will last for very long. This often leaves them with an underlying fear of abandonment. The core belief and question then becomes “I know you’re here today…but where will you be tomorrow?”. When relationships early on bring a strong sense of anxiety, it makes sense as to why it is then so hard to feel relaxed or at ease in relationships. The uncertainty can create an obsession to getting the attachment needs met, resulting in this person putting all of their efforts and energy into feeling reassured in their relationships, and completely dismissing their own needs. 

As an adult, this person tends to feel a strong sense of anxiety in their primary relationships. A common problem that arises is that we tend to seek out what feels familiar for us (going back to the idea that relationships are like riding a bike). If anxiety feels familiar, it actually may feel a lot more comfortable than security and stability. This is why so many people with a primary anxious attachment style will unconsciously seek out people with an avoidant attachment style. This recreates familiar patterns, even if logically this person knows these dynamics are unhealthy. 

Avoidant Attachment

Next we’ll discuss avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment often develops when a child’s needs are consistently dismissed or not tended to. An example of this could be a caregiver who is depressed, and unable to emotionally attune to the child and respond in ways that validate and support emotional well-being and growth.

If a baby cries and cries and there is no response (consistently), this can lead to the child internalizing a belief that their needs will not be met by others. The child learns that their caregiver will not soothe their dysregulated nervous system. The result of this is a deactivation of attachment needs. Basically, the child disconnects from their emotional needs. If the attachment needs will not get met, then what is the point of having any needs at all? 

While the deactivation of emotional needs takes place, many of these children (and adults) hyper-activate their exploratory system. This can look like disconnecting emotionally, but overworking or hyper-fixating on anything that could minimize or distract from the core attachment needs. If we examine this attachment style in adulthood, you might see why some people with more avoidant tendencies could typically be pretty successful in their careers, but maybe not so successful in their relationships. The core belief is that they can not rely on others, therefor they might as well be incredibly self-sufficient.

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment is the last category in attachment styles. Disorganized attachment is a helpful way in understanding the impact of relational trauma. Those who have a disorganized attachment system tend to feel a lot of fear in their relationships, and have typically experienced a significant amount of chaos and lack of safety in early childhood (this often includes abuse, violence, or addiction in the home). 

This can lead to a lot of confusion in relationships, where there is a natural human desire for love, care, acceptance in the primary attachment relationship, as well as this internal knowing/gut feeling that they are not safe in the relationship. There is a strong need to protect and survive, but there is also a strong need to attach to the caregiver. These two biological needs conflict with one another and can be very disorienting for a child or adult to experience. This can also make intimacy feel terrifying.

If the need for safety is not felt or experienced in early childhood, this can result in confusion and disorientation. The longing for connection remains, yet intimacy triggers a state of fight or flight. 

How We Heal

So knowing what we do about attachment styles and how they impact our relationships, how do we heal from attachment wounds and work towards secure relationships? The good thing is, attachment systems are fluid and can change over time. We all have a primary attachment style, but depending on the type of relationship we find ourselves in, certain traits may become more activated (ex: if someone who is typically secure attachment finds themselves with someone who is a bit more avoidant, this may activate anxious attachment traits, even though they are primarily secure). If the primary attachment style is insecure (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized), being in a relationship with a secure person can actually result in a person’s attachment style becoming secure. 

The goal is to have corrective emotional experiences. Old wounds inevitably will show up in the present day. When they do, being aware of what is happening and consciously creating new relational patterns will help guide us towards secure attachment.

Research on attachment theory has shown that processing your past in the context of a safe and secure relationship is significant to the healing process. This is easier said than done, and does take time and work. But as I said before, relationships are pretty much everything.