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This September marks ten years since the online dating app Tinder debuted on smartphones across the United States, radically transforming the online dating landscape. What does this mean for folks who are looking for love?
First, a primer: Tinder is a visually driven, location-based dating app. Unlike some of its online dating predecessors — think OkCupid, eHarmony, and Match.com — Tinder cuts right to the chase. Instead of detailed questionnaires or witty repartee, Tinder focuses on looks over words. If you like what you see, you swipe right. If you don’t like, you swipe left. If you both swipe right, you can connect using Tinder’s private chat system.
The profiles that make their way to your phone are based on what you — and your matches —want in terms of age, distance, and gender preferences, (transgender and non-gender conforming identities are welcome). And it’s everywhere: some 75 million users are logging in these days, and it’s available in more than 190 countries and 56 languages. Like Candy Crush for your libido, Tinder plays on the eternal optimist in all of us: That person is out there, I just need to keep scrolling!
The obstacles are many. More than 70 percent of online daters say people often lie to appear more desirable. Nearly two-thirds of dating app users are men, lowering the odds that heterosexual men will meet their match. There is ghosting,breadcrumbing, and gaslighting. Is it any wonder that nearly 80 percent of people ages 18-54 reported experiencing emotional fatigue or burnout when online dating?
At Proactive Therapy, we are here to help. We created and launched an 8-week group course in 2019 to help people navigate today’s confusing dating landscape and learn how to date more effectively. The terrain may be ever-changing, but the importance of homing in on exactly what we are looking for in a partner hasn’t changed. Once we have identified how our ideal partner would act in a relationship, we can be clear on whether or not these values are showing up in the early stages of dating.
Here are some examples:
Value: My partner makes me a priority.
Action: My date responds to my text messages on a consistent basis and does not flake out on planned dates.
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Value: My partner is a good communicator.
Action: My date not only discloses thoughts and feelings with me, but also expresses curiosity about my life.
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Value: My partner shares most of my values.
Action: My date not only identifies with my future plans such as career ambition and/or having a family, but also prioritizes similar areas of their life (i.e., friends, family, or career).
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Other topics we often cover in therapy include communication styles, red flags versus deal breakers, vulnerability, self-exploration, loneliness, sex, and disappointment versus giving up.
