I was ghosted by a therapist- now what am I supposed to do?

Why did this happen?

I am writing this blog because I would like to share a therapist’s perspective on why this may have happened to you.

First and foremost IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU DID NOT GET A RESPONSE.

I cannot share this strongly enough. Everyone is worthy of a response, even if the response is a “we are not accepting new clients right now, maybe you should call this other provider.”

While I don’t want to make excuses for therapy practices that do not follow up with client contacts, I do have some knowledge of what is going on behind the scenes at many therapy practices. Therapists and our staff are humans, too, and we are dealing with many of the same stressors that other businesses have been dealing with these past few chaotic years. We can have technology problems, staffing issues, weather crises, family emergencies. We get sick, we get burned out, overwhelmed, or just forget things and drop the ball sometimes.

Full disclosure, I experienced my own technology issues this spring. I realized that some client contacts were going straight to my “trash” folder, without me ever seeing them.It is actually what inspired me to write this blog post.

I am not sure how long this had been happening. Once I realized the problem, I reached out to those whose messages I had missed right away. Messages older than 30 days are automatically deleted, so I don’t know how many messages I missed.

I share this information to offer different ways of thinking about why you may not have gotten a response if you reached out. Most people tend to blame themselves, particularly if you are already dealing with a lot of shame. People tend to think it is something about them that is causing the other person to reject them when they don’t get a response.  But, one of these other reasons I mentioned above is much more likely.

How do you move forward with getting help for depression, anxiety, trauma, or stress related issues?

I would suggest that if your call was not answered, write an email. Or if the email was not answered, place a call (MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE A VOICEMAIL!! Most therapists do not respond to calls unless a voicemail is left). It is highly likely that there was some kind of technology issue that is the reason why you didn’t get a response. If you have made a second attempt and did not get a response, it is time to move on.

If a group practice or therapist is too overwhelmed to respond to client contacts, they may be temporarily unable to provide quality service. Many practices are growing right now, and an unfortunate issue with growing practices can be temporary poor customer service. This is a problem with the practice, and not a problem with you.

Something else to think about: Most client contacts share very little personal information. You are likely not even sharing enough information to actually give a practice a reason to reject you. If your name, phone number, or the way your voice sounds on the phone causes a practice not to want to work with you, this is not someone you want to trust with your mental health.

Some advice for protecting your feelings while searching for a therapist:

If you are looking at websites and online profiles, try not to read and re-read the profile while imagining what meeting with the therapist will be like. This is projection and you are starting a relationship with the person in your mind before you have ever met them. This will make it hurt much more if you don’t get a response or get told that the person is not available. 

Do your research, don’t be afraid to contact more than one therapist at a time, and don’t put too much pressure on it before the relationship has ever started. Many practices offer the option to do a free 15 minute consultation with a therapist before scheduling an appointment.

If you do schedule a consultation, pay attention to how the therapist speaks to you and how you feel during the consultation. If the connection is not good, or you don’t feel respected, you have no obligation to schedule an appointment with this person. 

Keep on moving with your search. You will find something that feels right. You deserve a therapy relationship that feels good.

Some reasons why a therapist might say “no” to working with you

If a therapist is not accepting new clients, you might get a response saying their caseload is full. In order to protect themselves from burnout and provide the best level of service, therapists must put limits on how many clients they see. This is not personal, it is for your protection.  

At Shift Counseling, PC, in order to manage client expectations, we update our website with therapist availability regularly. Ideally, if you reach out and a therapist is not accepting new clients, the practice should give you some other local options. But, this doesn’t always happen.

A practice may also refer you to another practice if they are not in network with your insurance. You can see a therapist who is not in network with your insurance, but you may end up paying the full fee out of your own pocket. This is not affordable for a lot of people, and many practices would rather refer you to an in-network provider than send you large bills that may not get paid. If you understand the financial responsibilities of seeing an out of network provider and know that you can keep up with your balance, you have every right to see an out of network provider.

Making sure you are getting the right kind of help

When you speak to a therapist or a therapy practice, during the initial call there should be some kind of screening questions to find out what kind of therapy you are looking for and make sure this is a kind of service that the practice provides. We have rules in our profession about “scope of practice.” In short, this means that we cannot provide all kinds of therapy services to all people.

For example, I have 20 years of experience in the mental health field, but I have never trained in treating couples, families, or children. Neither do any of our other therapists at Shift Counseling, PC.  If someone calls me looking for those kinds of services, I would immediately refer that person to another practice with experience in providing the type of therapy that they need.

This is not personal, it is ethical practice. I care more about you getting the kind of therapy you need with a qualified therapist than making lots of money filling my practice with every client who calls us. Through the years I have developed many personal contacts with other therapists, so I have a strong referral base. I am happiest when I know that the people who reach out to me are getting set up for success, even if it ends up being with a different therapist. 

Sometimes “no” actually means “we care about you”

When someone says “no” they are setting a boundary. While your first reaction may be to feel hurt by this, many times “no” is actually a caring response. (You’ll learn more about this in therapy!) In this case, the boundary is about being honest about what we can provide and what we can’t. 

Help for your mental health is available