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Motivational phrases and self-help books are great for pepping us up before a presentation in front of coworkers, but being a “boss babe” isn’t going to help you with that deep seeded guilt that you feel when you’re deciding whether or not to stop breastfeeding or if taking a two-day vacation with your partner is too long to leave your 13-month-old.
“Mom guilt” is not just guilt from being a Mom. You’ve felt it your whole life, even before having kids. There just wasn’t a fun and trendy phrase for it yet. Except maybe Catholic guilt and that’s for another day…
For decades (maybe centuries?) women have been running themselves ragged and claiming it’s ok because “Mommy duty” or keeping expectations they had of themselves before adding another human to your family because we have something to prove. Having a child is not just another item on your to-do list and on top of that- why is it only on YOUR to-do list?
Why do we take on this huge weight by ourselves?
Why is it so hard to ask for help?
Why is there an expectation to do it all?
And who is putting this expectation on us- because I have a bone to pick with them!
“It’s me… Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.”
– Taylor Swift
Granted, this is not everyone, but most times we put this weight on ourselves by letting the expectation of ‘doing it all’ fall on us.
We often do this to ourselves because we don’t want to take the time to ask for help or ask for what it is we need. It feels like ‘it’s just easier if I do it’ or ‘it’ll just take too long to explain.’
Maybe we need to get better at explaining.
Most Dads don’t feel Dad guilt or this overwhelming need to take everything on themselves. That’s why the term does not exist.
Again, motivational phrases and self-help can be wonderful at times- but the most important thing is to get to the bottom of what is stopping us from asking for help. Where is this coming from? Why do we feel the need to wear that burden like a badge of honor?
Moms get the same number of holidays dedicated to them as Dads.
For some Moms, you may get a fulfillment out of doing it all, for others it’s a sense of obligation. Let’s take a step back.
Where do you find the most fulfillment in your life?
What would it look like for you to enjoy your time with your kids and for it not to feel like a weight or burden?
Sometimes it means asking your partner for more. That could also be where that guilt is coming from. It’s not always you taking things on by choice. Your partner may have these expectations as well.
What would it look like to shift those expectations?
Is that a difficult place in your relationship?
It’s not easy, but you don’t have to do it alone. Finding and utilizing your support system is one of the most important parts of therapy I focus on with my clients. It is hard.
It’s hard to ask for help but what if asking for help made things just a little bit easier?
