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Relationship security can be difficult to achieve when you have a history of trauma. If a loving, safe base was not consistently available to you in the early years of your life, or if your adult experiences taught you to both crave and fear/mistrust intimacy, you might find it difficult to give and/or take in love and connection. This is especially true in conflicts, which happen in every relationship, no matter how loving or connected. Research by Stan Tatkin (2009) and the work of John Howard (2022) suggests that developing relational safety is largely a somatic experience. These exercises are intended to help with deepening connection in couples with inputs that tell our nervous systems that it is safe to relax and bond.
The Welcome Home Exercise
Do this exercise anytime, or after reuniting during the day.
Hug belly to belly without words. Hold the hug until each partner relaxes. You should feel your own body releasing tension, and you should feel your partner’s body doing the same. Wait to talk until this happens.
Back Breath
Sit back to back and lean against each other. Take a deep belly breath, feeling the air filling up your lower, upper abdomen, all the way up to the top of your chest. As you do, feel your partner supporting you. Exhale slowly, and feel the touch of your partner’s back as you do that. After a few rounds, start to notice your partner’s breath, listen to the quality of the breath, observe with curiosity and non-judgment. You might try to sync up your breath for the last few rounds.
Touch Exercise
Sit close to each other. Take turns gently stroking each other’s arm to get a sense of what feels good and pleasurable to your partner. Start by gently massaging your partner’s forearm for about 20 seconds, then stop and use a holding, static touch. Check in with your partner to hear what they prefer (the massage/active or holding/passive touch). Try again, then switch roles. Pay attention to your own experience (as the giver and the receiver), as well as your partner’s.
References
Howard, J. (2022). More Than Words. The Science of Deepening Love and Connection in Any Relationship. Simon Element.
Noll, L. (2013). Marion Solomon and Stan Tatkin: Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy. Clinical Social Work Journal, 41(4), 411–412. https://doi-org.rlib.pace.edu/10.1007/s10615-011-0376-8
