Parent, Child, and Adult: Healing Our Inner Selves

Welcome to Parent, Child, and Adult: Healing our Inner Selves. This is a wholistic approach to emotional healing based upon the theoretical principles of Transactional Analysis. Transactional Analysis is a psychological theory developed post World War II to assist in treating childhood-based trauma and dysfunctional human interaction. We will also explore how Christian faith can be incorporated into this method

This is a beginner, introductory level instruction on the Parent, Child, and Adult Theory. It is geared towards middle, high school and college level students. It is suitable for psychologists, counselors, social workers, marriage and family therapists, addiction counselors, clergy, religious leaders, and all medical professionals.

This counseling approach was inspired from the following clinicians:

Eric Berne M.D: A psychiatrist and developer of Transactional and Structural Analysis.
Thomas A Harris M.D: A psychiatrist and developer of Transactional and Structural Analysis.
John Bowlby Ph.D. Developer of Attachment Theory
Mary Ainsworth Ph.D. Developer of Attachment Theory.
Murray Bowen M.D: A psychiatrist and developer of Family Systems Theory.
Jean Piaget Ph.D.: A psychologist and developer of Child Development Theory.
Carl Jung M.D: A psychiatrist and developer of Analytical Psychological Theory.

The Client

Shortly after graduating from Seminary 25 years ago with my Masters in Divinity and a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, I received a job working as a therapist and chaplain for an inpatient psychiatric hospital. One of my first clients was a young woman who was diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder, due to severe childhood sexual abuse. She would split into 21 childlike personalities. We had a team of clinicians comprised of a psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, pharmacist, and psychiatric nurse who worked with her. She was the one who helped introduce me to the concept of the inner Parent, Child, and Adult. I dedicate this book to her.

The Goal

We will discuss the concept of the inner Parent, Child, and Adult, known as Transactional Analysis theory. We will explain how trauma affects the inner self. We will utilize Catholic theology in particular Trinitarian theology. We will apply Trinitarian theology to the concept of Parent, Child, and Adult. We will also identify solutions to healing our inner selves.

All People

All people are created in the Image of God and possess fundamental dignity. That dignity exists regardless of faith, race, gender, sexual orientation, disability, or economic status.

The Child

Jesus says, “Truly I say to you, unless you change and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3.

This speaks to the importance of being childlike to enter God’s Kingdom. Jesus did not say, unless you become like an adult you cannot enter the Kingdom of God. Neither did he say, unless you become like a parent you cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus makes it clear there is something special about being childlike for the Kingdom of God.

The Triune God

The Catholic church has come to understand God as a triune Being. This means that God is One Divine Being or Essence who is comprised of three divine persons. Those divine persons are God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. God the Son proceeds from God the Father. God the Holy Spirit proceeds from both God the Father and God the Son. The characteristics of God are that He is Good, Beautiful, and True.

Triune Person

All humans are made in the image of God. We reflect the Triune God in our nature. We also share in God’s divine nature. The parent reflects God the Father. The child reflects God the Son, and the adult reflects God the Holy Spirit. Like God, we are triune in nature. All humans have an inner child, an inner parent, and an inner adult. We are one human being consisting of three persons or ego states. These three states are more than just roles we play, they are all real people. All three of these internal persons exist within us at the same time. Some people can hear their voices and feel their presence in their bodies. Some people report feeling their inner child in their stomach, chest, hands, neck, and head. Our interior life is a family. There is a deep spiritual connection within us. It is God who designed us this way so that we could come to know Him as The Triune God. The Parent provides wisdom and instruction to the Child. The Child shares their needs and wants with the Parent. The Adult executes the will of the Child and the Parent in day-to-day functioning. It is the adult who primarily acts. It should not be the parent or the child who acts. The Parent and Child informs the adult of their needs and wants. Humans also share God’s divine nature. Like God, we are made immortal from conception.

The Child

The child is created at the moment of conception. This occurs from the sexual union between a biological man and woman. The child is infused with the Spirit of Life. The psalmist states “You (God) send forth your spirit, and they are created.” Psalm 104

Like God, the child is created good, beautiful, and true. Every human conceived, comes into the world as a child. The child reflects the Son of God. The inner child is immortal. Jesus makes it clear there is something special about being childlike for the Kingdom of God. The Kingdom extends from here on earth into eternity. The child is especially important to God and His Kingdom. God gives the child the natural capacity through the Gift of Life to express and receive love. To express and receive joy. To express and experience peace. This comes through the Gift of Life infused into them from the moment of conception. The child also can manifest two types of states. These states are the wounded child and healthy child. The child exists forever. Most people experience their child self between the ages of 3 and 11yrs old. Our child speaks to us throughout our lifetime. The classical term that describes the child is Pathos or Passion. This is the emotional and creative side of us. Our spirituality flows primarily through the child. Sexual feelings also flow through the child. This is why sexual abuse and betrayal is so painful to us. If the child is healthy and adaptive, they will be resilient. The child has the capacity to adapt to any situation presented to them. They can maintain the virtues of love, joy, and peace. The healthy child is not dominated by the voices of the critical parent or The Accuser.

The Son of God

The Apostle Paul writes that God the Son is the image of God the Father. He existed before all created things. By Him all things were created. All things were created through Him. All things were created for Him. In Him all things are held together. God the Father created everything for God the Son. He is the first born from the dead. He conquered the power of death. He is the pleasure of God the Father. All fullness and perfection dwells in the Son of God. All creation will be brought back into order in God the Son. Through the bloody sacrifice of God the Son, peace was restored between God and humanity. (Colossians 1:15-19.)

God as Child

Jesus as a child submitted to the guidance of his human parents Joseph and Mary. Even though He was the Son of God, he naturally submitted to the authority of His parents. Jesus like all children had a parent whom he was dependent on. God the Son shared in our human nature. He came into the world as a human child. He was born of a woman. It was a woman who brought the Son of God physically into creation.

The Wounded Child

If a child develops from a place of abuse, the child will see and experience the world from this perspective. The child is wounded when the parent does not protect them. The child is wounded from unrelenting criticism and abuse from the parent. A child is wounded when a parental figure refuses to protect the child from outside threats. Jesus, the Son of God experienced, shame, humiliation, abuse, neglect, brutal torture, and execution from the hands of men.

The Parent

The parent is created in the mind of the child from conception. The child experiences the parent from the moment of conception. Research has proven that infants in utero hear their mother’s voices and experience her emotions during the gestation period. From a nature point of view, it is self-evident that a child needs protection and nurturing from a parent to survive. Without the parent, a child cannot survive. The need within children creates a place of absolute dependence upon a parental figure to care for it. The child learns how to communicate with the parent to get its needs met. The child is like a blank slate upon which the parent can imprint their personalities. The parent has absolute power over the child and the child is powerless. Mothers speak about their children recognizing them and calming down after giving birth. Due to a child’s survival instinct, the parents voice is encoded into the mind of the child.

I have frequently heard adults talking about hearing the voices of their parents in their minds as if it was yesterday. The parent has absolute power over the child since the child depends on the parent for survival. The child develops moral ethics and is introduced to the sinful nature through the parent. The child learns how to communicate with the parent to get its needs met. Within the context of that relationship, the parent teaches the child right from wrong. The child develops moral ethics first from the parent. The child is like a blank slate upon which the parent can imprint their personalities. Through the traumatic experience of birth, the child is placed into the arms of their parent or a parental caregiver. The child is stroked, breast fed, protected and kept warm. As the child grows through infancy, before they can talk, the child knows how to communicate with their parents. Through crying, cooing, and moving, they learn what is necessary to communicate with the parent. The parent communicates back to the child what is right and wrong. The parent, whether they know it or not, communicates all that they believe into the mind of the child by their words and actions.

St. Joseph as Father

In the bible we read about the story of Joseph as a father of Jesus. We see how Joseph protected Jesus from the shame of being born out of wedlock. Joseph rescued Jesus from the murderous grip of King Herod. Joseph listened to the voice of an Angel on three separate occasions. The first was when the Angel of the Lord told him to marry Mary and adopt the Son of God (Jesus). The second time was when the angel told Joseph to leave Bethlehem with Mary and Jesus, then go to Egypt for safety from King Herod. The third time was when Joseph was told to return to Israel with the Holy Family after the death of King Herod.

Mary as Mother

Mary protected Jesus by accepting Him into her womb and becoming His mother. She risked shame and ridicule by allowing herself to become pregnant with the Son of God. She stayed by his side until his death on the cross. Even though she could not physically stop Him from being crucified, she was there with him physically and emotionally during His suffering and death. Mary is considered the Mother of the Church and the Mother of God. She is eternally a mother in heaven. She is one of the most glorious creatures God created. She is the Queen of Heaven who sits above all the angels and saints. In heaven, she is seated just below the Triune God.

Egyptian Princess as Mother

We see an example of a nurturing parent, when the King of Egypt’s daughter, rescued Moses a Hebrew infant who was ordered to be killed. The King of Egypt issued this murderous order due to his irrational fear and insecurity. The Egyptian princess protected the infant Moses from the King and adopted him as her own child. She raised Moses within the royal Egyptian courts.

The Patriarchs as Father

Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob are called Patriarchs or Fathers over the Hebrew people. The Apostle Paul called Saints Timothy and Titus his spiritual sons. This indicates Paul was a spiritual father.

The Apostle Paul as Father

Holy Scripture states:

“To Timothy, my loyal child in the faith: Grace, mercy, and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord.” (1 Timothy 1:2.)

“To Titus, my beloved son according to the common faith, grace and peace, from God the Father and from Christ Jesus our Savior.” (Titus 1:4)

Clergy as Fathers

Deacons, priests, and bishops are considered spiritual fathers within the Catholic church.

Religious Sisters as Mothers

Religious orders throughout the centuries have had spiritual mothers who provide guidance to the religious, laity and to their surrounding communities. We see them serve within health care, academic institutions, and charities.

Critical Parent: Adam and Eve

The Spirit of Life was given to our first parents Adam and Eve. That Spirit of Life made them immortal before they fell into disobedience. The critical parent was created when Adam and Eve allowed themselves to be seduced by The Accuser and disobeyed God. This opened the pathway for spiritual attacks on their future children.

Wounded Child: Cain and Abel

Adam and Eve introduced sin to Cain and Abel. Death and hatred were introduced into the human family from the fall of our earthly parents Adam and Eve. The wounded child was evident in Cain when he killed his brother Abel in a fit of murderous envy and jealousy.

Critical Parent

The critical parent creates a wounded child. This happens when the parent emotionally, spiritually, physically, or sexually abuses a child. Anything that a parent does that is not based on nurturing is potentially abusive.

The Adult

Every child who experiences an individual thought or action experiences their adult self. The adult is created within the mind of the child. This occurs around the age of two or three. This is the moment the child exercises the Gift of Free Will or Choice. This is the wonderful time when children can discern the good or the bad of things they encounter. It is the birth of critical thinking and intellectual development. A nurturing parent will foster and guide that aspect of the child. The adult develops when the child can make a choice independent of his parents. This is when the child can say no. The adult self learns to reason and determine right from wrong. The word “NO” is a sign of autonomous thinking and freedom of choice. That is the functioning of the child’s adult self, even at the age of two.

Parents mistakenly call it the “terrible twos’ due to the lack of control parents have. The adult’s role is to manage day to day functioning. The Adult is the Executive Director. Their role is to listen to the input of the child and parent and then make a good decision. That decision should be in the best interest of themselves and the person interacting with. The goal is a win-win solution for all involved in the interaction. At the end of the day, the Adult is the final decision maker. Whenever the Adult is cut out of any decision making, abuse always takes place. In Greek philosophy we call this the ethos or ethic. Ethos is the part of us that acts on what it comes to believe. The functional adult acts when they receive input from the child and the parent regarding a situation. Based upon that input the adult executes a reasoned response that is good in its outcome.

Dysfunctional Adult

The dysfunctional adult develops when it is dominated by the wounded child. The adult becomes powerless controlling the strong impulses of the child. The adult becomes dysfunctional when it is overwhelmed by the relentless voice of the critical parent. The critical parent’s voice drowns out all reasonable interpretations available to the adult. The nurturing parent’s voice is cutoff.

Dysfunction also develops when the voice of the Accuser dominates the Parent and oppresses the child. There is zero input from the child regarding decision making. I recall one client talking about her inner child being buried in the backyard six feet underground. She had emotional difficulty digging her child up from the pit.

The Holy Spirit as Adult

The Holy Spirit proceeds from God the Father and God the Son. He gave physical birth to the universe. He perfectly fulfills the will of the Triune God. The Holy Spirit is the one who fills God’s children with spiritual gifts and fruits. He leads all people towards a relationship with the Triune God. He shows people what is Good, Beautiful, and True within creation. He is the Spirit of Life that is infused into all living things. We read about Him descending on Jesus after his baptism and leading Him into the wilderness for 40 days and nights. The Holy Spirit also descended on the disciples on the Feast of Pentecost, filling them with spiritual power and gifts. The Adult is naturally connected to The Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit models perfectly how the adult should live.

The Integrated Person

An integrated person is a healthy person. They are in touch with their inner child, parent, and adult. The fully integrated person consists of an adaptive child, the nurturing parent, and the functional adult. They have the capacity to adapt to any situation presented to them. They are resilient. They can maintain the virtues of love, joy, and peace. The integrated person is not dominated by the voices of the critical parent or The Accuser. The nurturing parent is always comforting and loving towards the child and adult. The nurturing parent protects the inner child from all harm. The integrated person functions when they receive positive input from the parent, child, and adult regarding any situation.

Based upon that input, the adult executes a reasoned response that is a good (win-win) outcome. The Parent provides wisdom and instruction to the Child. The child shares their needs and wants with the parent. The adult executes the will of the child and the parent in day-to-day functioning. It is the adult who primarily acts.

The Unhealthy Person

The unhealthy person is disintegrated. They are cutoff from the adaptive child, nurturing parent, and functional adult. They are dominated by the wounded child, critical parent, dysfunctional adult and the voice of The Accuser.

Classical Definition of Triune Man

Pathos translates to passion which is appropriate for a child. It corresponds to the Son of God who wept, suffered, and died for humanity. Logos translates to intellect which is appropriate for a Parent. The Parent corresponds to God the Father who is the source of all wisdom and knowledge. Ethos translates to ethics which is appropriate for an adult. Ethos corresponds to the Holy Spirit who produces spiritual gifts and fruits within people. The Holy Spirit executes the will of God in heaven and on earth.

I am Good – You are Good.

The healthiest state is the I am Good and You are Good. This is an integrated person consisting of a healthy child, nurturing parent, and functional adult. They view other people from the same perspective. This belief holds true regardless of other people they may encounter. It is a worldview they choose to believe. If the other person chooses to remain in a state of disintegration, the integrated person models healthy interactions with appropriate boundaries.

I am Good – You are Not Good.

This is a perspective when a person views everyone else from a negative point of view. Abusive people take this perspective when victimizing others. When one refuses to recognize the value and purpose of another, they will always abuse them.

I am Bad – You are Good.

This occurs when a person sees no value within themselves but holds everyone else in an elevated or higher position. This is typically the perspective of a victim who continually attracts abusers and perpetrators into their lives. There is never virtue in self-deprecating or demeaning behaviors. Some religious people confuse humility and meekness with self-deprecating and self-abusing behaviors. That behavior generates from a place of self-hatred. This belief is contrary to the Image of God that every person innately possesses.

I am Bad- You are Bad.

This position is most tragic. This is where suicidal and homicidal thoughts and actions develop. This is the basis for sociopathic and psychopathic behaviors. The Accuser, the Enemy of our Soul is most active here. Psychological and spiritual interventions are needed to get this person to move from this position.

What Happened?

A cross interaction occurs when a normal dialogue is abruptly interrupted with an unexpected usually painful response. For example, a person is taken off guard with a wounded child response when they are engaged in an adult-to-adult conversation. To illustrate, Susan asked her husband to fix a leaky faucet in the bathroom. He snaps back saying “You act like I don’t do anything around the house!” She engaged in an adult-to-adult conversation. He responded back as a wounded child activated by a critical parent.

Games

Games are tactics and methods used by wounded children to manipulate others into doing things they would NOT with good reason do. They are games of cross interactions that are based upon manipulation and shame. The first step is recognizing the game. The next step is to replace it with healthier interactions. I will list a few games.

•I am Out of Control Game.

•The Victim Game.

•One Upmanship Game.

•The Threat of Violence Game.

•The Shame Game.

•I Have No Choice Game.

•The Devil Made Me Do It Game.

•God Doesn’t Love Me Game.

•I Hate You, Please Don’t Leave Me Game.

•The Seduction Game.

•The Manipulation Game.

•The Control Game.

•I am Not Talking to You Game

Can you name other manipulative games you have experienced?

The Tower of Pisa

The Leaning Tower of Pisa illustrates one thing. No matter how tall a building may be, if the foundation is flawed, the whole structure will suffer. This applies to mental health as well. If you don’t address the foundation upon which a person understands truth and reality, they will remain skewed. Time doesn’t heal unresolved traumas from the past. You must correct and heal the effects of the trauma to make progress, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The Accuser

Humanity has an adversary. He is called the Accuser. He is the Father of Lies. A Liar from the Beginning. He is also called Lucifer, Satan, and the Devil. He was created by God as an Angel of Light in a state of perfection. Through the gift of free will, he chose to rebel against God out of pride and envy. Because of that choice, he was cast out of heaven and condemned to eternal separation from God. The Accuser hates humanity because we are made in the Image of God. The primary act of the Accuser is to kill, steal and destroy humanity. This will happen to anyone who surrenders to his influence and will. He primarily speaks through the Critical Parent. Just like he spoke to Adam and Eve, our earthly parents. His purpose is to attack the child through the critical parent.

The Theatre and Movie Set

I had the opportunity to take acting classes and screenplay writing at a local college. I also learned in graduate school studying Marriage and Family Therapy, the power of psychological dramas and family scene sculpting. I also had the chance to work on theatre production projects, constructing sets and working with sound production. Theatre consists of actors, characters, auditions, costumes, and scripts. I started to see how this art form creates life like scenarios and scenes. I saw from taking screen writing classes for film production how art imitates reality and how reality imitates art. Screenplay writing involves the creation of scenes, acts, genre, drama, conflict, and characters. Our daily lives consist of theatrical type scenes. Within those scenes and acts, we have two primary participants. The primary participants are the director and the actors. Our adult side is the director of the scene. Our child and parent sides are the actors on the stage. It is the child and parent who play multiple characters. The characters are not real; however, the child and parent actors are real. It is the director (adult) who analyzes the scenes, the lines delivered, and the movement of the characters on the set.

The Director

It is the director who has the power to rewrite the script and the characters within each scene. The director (adult) analyzes the scenes, the lines delivered, and the movement of the characters in the scene. I see this as a great tool in helping people deal with past traumas. I believe God the Holy Spirit provides guidance with this process if a person is willing.

The Scenes

Within those scenes and acts, we have two primary participants. The director and the actors. Our adult side is the director of the scene. Our child and parent sides are the actors in the scene. It is the child and parent who play multiple characters. The characters are not real; however, the child and parent actors are real.

The Actors

It is the child who plays multiple characters in the scene. The characters are not real; however, the parent, child and adult actors are real.

The Characters

The child is the primary actor who produces multiple characters on the stage or in the scene. Each character contributes to the story the child wants to share. This is particularly true in dreams where the adult is asleep, and the child creates the story.

The Bathroom

One of those scenes is the bathroom. This is a place where the child, parent and adult are involved in self-care. This is where the parent nurtures the child. When the child tells the parent what they need. Where the adult makes sure the nurturing and felt needs are met. Often abuse is associated with the bathroom. So, this is a time for the adult to help the child and parent rewrite false scripts that were given to them as children in the bathroom.

Exercise

• What good memories have you experienced in the bathroom?

• What bad memories have you experienced in the bathroom?