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Parentified children can lead to overly responsible, perfectionist adults. Some unhelpful patterns you learned as a child can be at play in your life today. Learn more about how being a mom can magnify these issues and how to change them.
Are you a mom who feels like every option you have is the wrong one? Do you feel angry, irritated, anxious because you’re stuck doing basically everything? Do you find yourself thinking things like “there’s no point asking for help because I’ll just have to do it myself” or “they never do it the right way so I’ll just do it to save myself time later”?
If you relate, there’s an explanation. This can be related to the theme of responsibility which is a common type of response for folks who experienced parentification as a child. Parentification is when kids/tweens/teens are given the responsibilities of an adult.
Parentified children may have had parents who:
- were alcoholics or addicts
- were away a lot of the time leaving children unsupervised
- neglectful to your physical and/or emotional needs
- relied on you (the child) to get household tasks completed, bills paid, younger siblings watched
Parentification and over responsibility in kids can look like a wide variety of things and exists on a spectrum (it’s not black and white). Depending on your family of origin, culture or religion, these may be more accepted or typical of a childhood experience. On one end of the spectrum for example it may be things like having children pack their lunch once they hit a certain age and at the other end may be complete neglect in which children aren’t being fed or clothed or cared for. In between and all along this spectrum, children can be made to be in charge of things they are not physically, emotionally or developmentally appropriate for them. Of course, physical and emotional neglect have been shown to cause a slew of negative outcomes for kids including increased risk for mental health diagnoses, substance use and physical health problems. Sometimes overlooked are the long term effects of parentification.
Some typical responses of an adult who was parentified as a child can be:
- feel responsible for those around you (and caretaking can give you a sense of fulfillment at times)
- feel you have to be the peacekeeper
- often feel like your efforts are ignored or not appreciated
- like to feel in control (though deep down feels out of control)
- caregiving for others at the cost of losing your own time/freedom/wants/needs
- unable to identify your own needs at all or what would be best for you in a given situation
These responses can really be exacerbated by stepping into the role of motherhood- suddenly you have even more responsibilities than before, a tiny human literally needs you to survive, plus the expectations from society on what a “good” mom does/takes care of.
Here are some tips on how to manage some of these feelings and beliefs and the unmanageability they have created:
Acceptance. Accept that you were made to take on responsibilities you should not have had to deal with it. Lean into the fact that your childhood happened the way it did and it was not your fault. It’s painful and healing can also happen.
Survey the Scene. Find out what needs were not met for you as a child so you can attend to them now. Did you not get to have fun and play? Let yourself have some fun now and let your inner child play. Did you miss out on being nurtured and cared for because you had to do the caregiving? Practice speaking kindly to yourself and prioritizing your needs.
Therapy. Seriously. Therapy can help. Therapists, especially EMDR therapists or inner child focused therapists, can assist you in your healing. Therapy can be a place not only of discovery but of action and change. Tired of believing that every task has to be left to you? Go to therapy, it’s the greatest gift you can give to your inner child.
If any of this resonates with you, know that these are normal responses to trauma and parentification. If you’re an Ohio or New York resident and are interested in EMDR therapy, reach out to me.
