Living with an ADHD Partner

Living with a neurodiverse partner brings excitement and newness as well as unique challenges.

Trying to figure out a rhythm to any relationship is difficult and often takes some time to figure out. When you add in the complexity of one or both partners having ADHD, Autism or other neurodiversity dynamics, finding that rhythm to regular life can be even more challenging.

My husband was officially diagnosed with ADHD when he was 28 years old. By that time we were already married and had adjusted a bit to living with one another. However, that new level of understanding provided a lot of insight into dynamics throughout our relationship. Our brains literally work differently, and by understanding those differences, we have been able to find a better balance to our own lives.

Whether you or your partner have been officially diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, have other neurodiverse characteristics present, or you are thinking it may be present in your relationship, this blog may provide some insight into how to be aware of and engage with some common dynamic shifts in your relationship. Please keep in mind that these examples are from my own relationship and may be different from your own. Each relationship has different dynamics because you are different people. Take what knowledge or ideas that you want and that apply and leave the rest.

Bonus: If you want a fun song to listen to while you read this blog (and like EDM music) the song Sidequest by Chime featuring LoneMoon is a fantastic choice and is available on Spotify and other music platforms.

First, let’s talk about organization.

My partner is a very visual person and when he can see things around the room, they remain present in his awareness. This means that the necessary items for his day (wallet, keys, phone, etc) need to remain visible on counters or our dresser so that he is able to find them. While things may still be “misplaced” (meaning not placed in that particular spot), the general use of this organization to our space helps him tremendously.

I, on the other hand, tend to lean towards the stacking method, and make piles of important things. His “clutter” remains visible and organized to him, while my “clutter” appears chaotic, making it more distracting to him at times. Together we have had to compromise within our shared space to find spaces for him to utilize with his visual organization and spaces for me to have for my own organization.

Second, ADHD impacts our conversations.

ADHD brains are going a hundred miles a minute and in 15 different directions at the same time. Acknowledging how your brain is different from your partner’s can help you understand how that difference may impact your conversations and activities.

Because my partner’s brain is regularly going 15 different directions and making big connections all the time, our conversations tend to jump from one topic to the next pretty freely. There were times at the beginning when I thought him changing the subject meant that he didn’t care about what I was talking about. Instead, it was him making a connection to another important subject. We had to learn how to balance conversations with some flexibility, while also finding out comfortable ways for us to redirect the conversation back to important topics when they still felt incomplete to me. At this time, we refer to these tangents lovingly as “side quests.”

This challenge also means that we have to set specific times to have hard conversations, such as around finances. Having these subjects confined to a time and space when there are less distractions pulling at my partner’s attention, has helped us both keep those conversations more direct and intentional.

Third, hyper  on particular interests does impact our routine.

An often forgotten/ignored facet of ADHD is hyperfixation or the ability for the individual to focus very intensely on a particular interest, hobby, or subject for a prolonged amount of time. When my partner is hyperfixated on a particular interest or hobby, the rest of the world will fade away into the background. This has appeared over the years as video games, audio books, certain subjects that he’s learning about, cooking, etc.

When he does get drawn into such activities, it may be hard for him to also be present with me in conversation or set aside that activity to spend quality time doing something else with me. This has been a big learning curve for the both of us.

However, we have developed our own ritual when greeting each other after work for the day and have specific time set aside during one of our days off for intentional, fun, date time. By having these times set into our regular routine, I am able to feel more included in his day, and he still has the freedom to engage with his interest de jour. I also take some time to let him show or teach me his interests to feel included, while inviting him into my own interests as well.

In general, there were a lot of things that we had to figure out during our relationship, but not all of it was bad. There are plenty of positive things that come from having a neurodiverse partner.

Some good aspects about having a partner with ADHD:

• There are almost always new things for us to learn and try together. My partner loves to explore new ideas and learn new things, and I am invited to join him in that discovery. It keeps me on my toes and encourages me to step out of my comfort zone.
• When he is focused or hyperfixated on something, it gets done. Hyperfixations can be really helpful and utilizing the times when that drives us to clean and organize is super helpful.
  
• Sharing in one another’s interests has also been really helpful in helping us feel connected and in-tune with one another.

Some of the more frustrating aspects:

• It is harder to have a conversation from start to finish without getting side tracked. We do have to jump around a bit and I have to sometimes redirect us to be able to finish a conversation.
• Chores and daily things can become boring to my partner and therefore much harder for him to do. This means it may take some reminders to get things done or they may be done at a different pace than I prefer.
• Forgetfulness at times. In order to remember things well, my partner has to put them on a physical list or in his calendar. If things didn’t make it into one of those systems, they may be forgotten/pushed aside.

How we have figured out a balance to help us both (and it still is a work in progress)

When there are a lot of things going on or bigger deadlines, we make a list of things together to get done during the week. Making a physical list helps us both note what is important and makes it easier for us both to get what is needed done.

We set aside particular times for hard conversations such as finances. By having times that are intentional and limited with distractions, we can have some more difficult conversations in one go.

I have learned that delegating things to my partner also means being okay with providing occasional follow up reminders if there’s a particular timeline in mind, or letting some of the smaller things get pushed back until my partner makes them a priority. This means I have to give up my particular timeline, but provides us both more breathing room and relaxation, as I do trust him to do the tasks when he can.

These were just a few of the ways that ADHD has impacted our relationship. We both really want to make our relationship work and so we have learned to adapt to one another throughout our relationship and marriage. By having a more full understanding of each other and our brains, we have been able to grow side by side, finding ways to adapt and be supportive of one another’s needs along the way. There’s still growth to be done, but together we can figure out the dynamics and adjustments as a team.

If you and/or your partner want to explore neurodiversity and the impact it has on your relationship, reach out to local couples counselors in your area.

*Taken from Blog Post on www.steckelfamilytherapy.com