Watching someone you care about struggle without help is difficult. You can see what might help them, and it’s hard when they are not ready or able to consider it.
You cannot make another adult go to therapy, but you can make it easier for them or increase the chances they’ll go. The way you bring it up can make a difference.
We put this guide together for any of you who are worrying about someone you care for. We’ll share why people don’t seek care, what tends to work, what tends to backfire, and what to do in an emergency.
Why Won’t They Go to Therapy?
Someone who isn’t seeking help usually has some specific reasons. . Here are some of the common ones.
- Cost, insurance confusion, or not knowing where to start
- A belief that they should be able to handle it themselves
- Worry about what a diagnosis would mean for their job or their family
- A bad experience with a therapist years ago
- Not seeing the problem the way you see it
Most people are not simply for or against therapy and can hold a few perspectives at the same time. The more they talk about reasons to not change, the less change follows. This is why the way you have the conversation matters.
Waiting has a cost. Depression seldom gets better without treatment. Successful treatment also requires a willing participant.
How Common Is It to Put Off Therapy?
More than one in five U.S. adults live with a mental illness, and many of them go a full year without any treatment.
Some of this gap is structural. Cost, waitlists, and limited provider networks can all delay someone receiving care. Some of this has to do with how people feel about asking for help. We recommend starting with curiosity and getting to know what the specific whys are for the person if they’re open to talking about it. This impacts how you approach the conversation. b
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What Actually Helps When You Want Someone to Try Therapy?
The approaches most likely to succeed are specific and low pressure, and they honor the person’s autonomy.
Describe what you have noticed
It’s harder for someone to argue with observations than it is your opinion. . Reflect what you have actually seen as opposed to drawing conclusions or offering a diagnosis. . For example, you might tell them that they have not been sleeping, that they seem worn down, and that you have been worried about them.
Ask before you give advice
Ask whether they want your thoughts before you share them. This doesn’t take much to do and keeps the conversation open and collaborative. It also tells you where they are. If they say not right now, you have learned something useful, and you can return to it later.
Handle the logistics for them
Many people stall on the practical steps rather than the emotional ones. Offer to help set up appointments or to go with them to the first one. If they are open to looking, free tools such as Mental Health Match let them answer a few questions and see a short list of therapists who fit. Some people also relax once they know what happens in a first therapy session.
Let them choose their own therapist
Therapy tends to work better when the client and the therapist agree on goals. Let them read the profiles and pick. If they want to go in prepared, we have a list of questions to ask a new therapist.
What Should I Avoid Saying?
Some approaches have a tendency to shut down conversation.
- Ultimatums, unless you are fully prepared to follow through
- Diagnosing them, even gently, and even if you are probably right
- Bringing it up during an argument
- Listing everything they have done wrong as evidence
- Repeating the request so often that they stop hearing it
Avoid a confrontational group meeting that might overwhelm the person. This could lead them to feel isolated and ganged-up on, not supported. Steady encouragement from one trusted person tends to be more effective.
What If They Say No?
A no now does not mean it’s a no forever. People move through stages of readiness. Someone who dismisses the idea at the moment may bring it up themselves later on.
Stay connected and keep the offer for support open. Knowing you’re there for them and showing up in other ways may be more effective than continuing to check in about it.
What If It Is an Emergency?
If someone is talking about wanting to die, giving away belongings, or withdrawing sharply after a loss, these are signs more urgent support might be needed.
Ask them directly whether they are thinking about suicide. Asking does not increase the risk, and it can often start a conversation someone has been waiting to have. Stay with them, listen without judging, and help them connect to support. You can call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, with them or on your own. Call 911 if someone is in immediate danger.
If you are afraid of the person you are worried about, your safety comes first. Getting them into therapy is not your responsibility. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-7233, by text at START to 88788, and by chat at thehotline.org.
How Do I Take Care of Myself Through This?
Supporting someone through a crisis can become more challenging the longer they put off getting help. It’s important for you to find a balance of taking care of yourself and receiving care from others while you do so.
Many people in your position see their own therapist. This gives you a dedicated space to get support and you get help preparing for the next conversation. Family support groups do something similar. When substance use is involved, family-focused programs are designed for this. Also, lean on your own community.
If you are ready to look, for them or for yourself, free tools such as Mental Health Match can take some of the guesswork out of the process. We built it with therapists, so you answer a few questions about what you are looking for, and we return the five therapists best suited to help. The match weighs approach, culture, insurance, budget, and scheduling together. Every license and credential is verified before a therapist joins, most therapists offer a free first consultation, and the tool is free and confidential.
| Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always talk to a qualified healthcare professional about any medical concerns. If you are in crisis, please call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988. |
